But a Moment

I just wanted you to know. . .

2010-10-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

My little boy was born 3/26/10 screaming and healthy.

Conception didn't go as I had planned. Pregnancy was not what I dreamed it would be. I didn't expect labor and delivery to happen as it did. But motherhood is everything I could have ever hoped for and more.

Best of luck to everyone. I hope all your stories have happy endings too.

Graduation day

2009-08-25T09:19:00.001-07:00

Did you hear that big huge sigh of relief that I let out yesterday after my final visit to the fertility clinic? Yep, that was me. And yes, things are looking better. Dare I say normal?

The day started with the usual hassle from the clinic. I had an appointment at 11:00 am but they called me at 8:40 am asking me if I could come in NOW. I got hubby out of bed and he swung by and picked me up from work. We got there by 9:30 am. And then waited for almost an hour. Geeze, you called me.

Finally the ultrasound. Everything was so much larger, it was amazing. This time the gestational sac looked and measured normal. The ultrasound person and hubby speculated about contractions of the uterus on the last scan. All I could do was praise the Lord that it was fine today. We saw and heard the heart beat. 174 bpm. Hubby said that hearing the heartbeat really did it for him. I must admit it was pretty amazing. The ultrasound person also pointed out the developing spine. Amazing. The little fetus even did some head bobbing to Motely Crue's Girls, Girls, Girls that was playing on the radio in the phlebotomist's area next door. (We think it is going to be a boy. He was jamming out pretty strong.) She took half a dozen great pictures but, again, managed to give me the one that just looks like blobs.

After the ultrasound, we waited to speak with Dr Cupcake. She gave us "excellent" and "thumbs up" on everything. (Still measuring 4 days behind but that has been very consistence.) I asked about the PIO shot that have become a literal pain in the ass the last week or so. They did a progesterone level check and Dr Cupcake said that I could decrease to every other day and to stop completely on Sept 2nd. (Yea! Only 5 more injections to go.) Then she told us that she would be transcribing a letter to my ob/gyn and transferring my records to him. We are done at the fertility clinic.

Hubby and I left feeling very confident---the first time ever. We are making plans to tell the rest of our family as soon as possible. I won't be telling anyone else at work until 12 weeks, but it is not out of fear.

I will probably be updating this blog less and less. This was a way to record my thoughts while I traveled down this path. I have received so much information, comfort and support from those I have connected with on this space. But I don't want my infertility and IVF story to get lost and buried in a pregnancy blog. I want those who follow me to be able to find it and take comfort in it and not feel so alone.

Mommy tracked

2009-08-17T05:57:00.000-07:00

When I get worried, I read everything ever written about the subject. After that I have to turn my brain off my worry, so I work. Hard. I can spend two or three hours of a work day reading Google searches and other peoples' blogs and still get eight hours worth of work cramped into about five hours. My industriousness has not gone unnoticed. My boss' boss sent word down through the grapevine (my boss) that he is creating two manager positions and was wondering if I would be interested in one of them.

The irony does not escape me. Just when I am paying the least amount of attention to work. When I am the least interested in anything work related. In fact work is only an escape from the worries of my personal life and a means of paying the bills. A promotional opportunity is offered.

I replied that I would be interested. My boss knows more of my personal situation than she probably should and I told her that I wouldn't feel comfortable accepting unless boss' boss at least knew that I was early pregnant and would be taking maternity leave in the spring of next year if everything worked out as I hope it will. Yes, I know that I don't have to tell him. Yes, I know that legally he can't make any decisions based on it. But I felt that he needed to know that information up front in order to not feel betrayed by it later on.

He sent back word that he appreciated my honesty. Other than that, I don't know anything more. The wheels on the bus for the company that I work for move around very s-l-o-w-l-y. Even if I am still in the running, it probably won't be before Christmas that I am awarded the position.

The roller coaster ride continues

2009-08-14T07:14:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago I visited some family in L.A. We all went to Universal Studios for a day of fun. I don't like roller coasters. Never have. But because I was trying to go along, to get along and I felt like a country bumpkin come to town, I was talked into riding a few. One was of them was The Mummy. This roller coaster is all in the dark. It is very very scary. And just when I thought I had survived and the ride was coming to an end, the damn thing does it all again-backwards. I hate roller coasters.

Infertility and this pregnancy feel like that roller coaster to me. Just when I think I might survive, the damn thing continues--more scary than before.

Dr's appointment yesterday started with the ultrasound. Hubby went along. We saw the heartbeat, 144 bpm. We were told the fetus is measuring well at 8.1 mm (6w5d, though the actual date is 7w1d). The retrochorion tear was smaller, clotting nicely. The ultrasound tech mentioned again that it was lower in the uterus than they like to see. And she also mentioned that the gestational sac was measuring small. We even got a picture!

We met with Dr Cupcake. We talked about the tear. She wasn't too concerned. In fact she said if it was any smaller they wouldn't be able to see it on the ultrasound. I was told perfect on heart rate and fetus size. However she was a bit concerned about the size of the gestational sac. She had seen it work out well in other pregnancies but I am still a bit on the fence. She wanted me to refill my progesterone prescription. She told me to make an ob/gyn appointment for 3-4 weeks from now. But she wanted to see me back in a week and a half to check on the size of the gestational sac again.

I left feeling pretty upbeat.

Then I Googled "small gestational sac."

If you don't want to sleep at night. If you like to stay up worrying and praying. Google "small gestational sac" and know your measurements. My fetus is 8.1 mm. The sac is only 9 mm. Dr Google tells me that a sac less than 5 mm greater than the fetus has an 80% chance of miscarry.

Back to feeling worried sick.

There are good stories out there concerning small gestational sacs. But you have to dig a little deeper to find them. There are all sorts of reasons why mine might be small that have nothing to do with the fetus--the retrochorion might have damaged the sac, the fetus is very low in the uterus and it might be feeling a little crowded. There are also the general reasons of the accuracy of the ultrasound and the limitations of the ultrasound. . .

But I am back to being scared to death.

Thank you, Cassandra!

2009-08-14T07:09:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the blogosphere for all the support. Bleeding and pregnancy just doesn't go together. It was scary. And a BIG THANK YOU to Cassandra for the correct spelling of retrochorion. I am glad that she supplied the spelling before actually extracting the agreement not to Google the heck out of it from me. Because Google it, I did. But retrochorion is really not that bad to Google. Most returns were quite hopeful. Thank you again.

Jinx!

2009-08-10T12:21:00.000-07:00

Hubby and I went to a used bookstore on Saturday. I was feeling brave enough about this pregnancy that I wondered over the family section and picked up two pregnancy books. Who could resist 2 books for $4.50? Week by week. Lots of pictures. Oh how exciting. I should have known.

On Sunday I got up and had a couple pieces of toast for breakfast. I went back to bed to watch some of the Law & Order Marathon. About an hour later, I felt like I was laying in something wet. Tossed back the covers and there was blood every where, on my pajamas, on the sheets, on the bed. I about had a heart attach. I went to the bathroom. The blood continued to flow. I took a 2 min shower. Jumped in the car. Called hubby. Called my dr's office. And headed to the emergency room.

On the phone with hubby all I did was cry.

The dr's office called me back before I could get to the end of the street. I had to pull over at a gas station to talk to the dr, I was crying so hard. He was super nice (the owner of the clinic and the only dr I hadn't met). He was very calm. Asked me a lot of questions. Told me if I wasn't hurting, it would probably be okay. Offered to do an ultrasound first thing Monday morning. I told him I couldn't wait. He told me to go on to the emergency room.

I got to the ER. I was triage quickly and put in an exam room. I bit the head off one dumb nurse who couldn't fathom why I was so upset. Geeze, I'm in an ER. I am early pregnant. And bleeding like crazy. I think I am entitled to a few tears. It was a short wait until the dr showed up. I used the time wisely by alternatively crying & hyperventilating and praying that I wasn't experiencing a miscarriage.

The dr did a quick pelvic exam. I couldn't help but notice that the disposable speculum was covered in dark red blood. A nurse did a blood draw and inserted an IV line, though they didn't put anything in it. The dr was super nice and said that we were all going to think positively until we knew for sure that something was wrong.

I waited about 40 mins and was taken back to the ultra sound room. It was different than going to the fertility clinic. The lady turned the monitor towards herself and told me the dr would be actually giving me the results. She did a two second outer ultrasound exam and about 20 min trans vaginal exam. Seriously the most through exam I had ever had. The lady finally took pity on me and turned the monitor where I could see. A heart beat, the most beautiful flicker I have ever seen. It was such a relief that I started crying. She also told me that the fetus was measuring 5.2 mm, which put it at 6w2d (though the actual date was 6w4d). What a relief that I hadn't lost it on the sheets of my bed.

After I was wheeled back to my exam room in the ER, time slowed down. Where everyone was rushing to see me before, no one came in afterwards. I waited about an hour (much calmer than I was earlier) and finally went to find a phone to call my husband. No cell service in the ER and I knew he was waiting on pins and needles for news too. The nurses at the desk didn't want to let me use their phone but the dr relented when she saw I was prepared to truck out to the lobby in my sock feet, hospital gown, and toga sheet. It would be cruel to make him wait any longer after I had seen the heartbeat and was feeling much calmer.

After I talked to hubby, the dr came back with me to the exam room. She went over all the good stuff from the ultrasound, including the heart rate of 91 bpm--a little low but still good. And then she proceeded to tell me that the ultrasound revealed that I was bleeding from the uterine wall behind where the placenta is attached. She called it retro corein, pronounced core-e-in, I think. (Not spelling that correctly and kicking myself for not making the dr write it down for me. Google is not bringing up anything with my spelling.) She said that I was on the fence for miscarrying. It could be that the blood vessels bled just that once and it won't cause me any more problems. Or it could be that they will bleed again, so much so that they separate the placenta from the uterine wall.

She sent all the findings over to the fertility clinic. I am supposed to keep my appointment for next Thursday and get lots of rest in the mean time. She wrote me a note for four days off from work. I am at home today but once the bleeding stops I will probably go back. No one is sure what causes it to bleed. I was laying in bed when I started bleeding, so no one know if staying in bed will keep it from happening again. I had lots of dark brown blood yesterday after I got home. Even some almost black clumps that were kinda scary. But I didn't hurt at all. Today more brown blood but I think it is almost over.

So the moral of the story, I am not buying anything else pregnancy related. It attracts karma and this pregnancy is too fragile and important to test fate.

Black magic

2009-08-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

Today, 5w5d, at our early ultrasound we were able to see a single gestational sac and the yolk. (I know the photo says B but there is only one.) It is a little low in the uterus and measuring about 5 days behind where it should be. But we were told that as long as it was +/- within 7 days of where it should be, it was fine.

The celebration of today is over shadowed by how impossible our clinic is to deal with. Today the ultrasound tech actually carried on a conversation with another nurse through a crack in the door about another patient while I was, huh hum, being wanded. Talk about UNCOMFORTABLE. But this was only after we waited 48 mins before being seen at all.

We also met with another of the clinic's dr's. I talked to her about the progesterone and bleeding (which has now stopped since my PIO dose was upped). I asked her why isn't it common to test the P2 levels when a patient complains of bleeding. She said it was standard to test it with the first beta. I told her mine wasn't checked with my first beta. She shuffled through my file and said "I can't speak to why it wasn't checked."

As we went to leave, we were instructed to make another ultrasound appointment in a week to hear the heartbeat. Hubby has a crazy schedule. He will be home, next week, only Thursday afternoon and all day Friday. With 8 business days advanced notice, they couldn't schedule us an appointment!! We were told there was no available appointments on Thursday afternoon and that "no doctors would be in office on Friday." WTF!?!?! We ended up having a huge show down with the practice manager and finally got a Thursday afternoon appointment.

It became very clear to me a long long time ago that this clinic sucks. I would never recommend that anyone go there. It amazes me that their numbers are so good. It must be the science of large numbers, see enough patients and they are bound to get a few of them pregnant.

Maybe, maybe, maybe baby?!?!?

2009-07-31T12:22:00.000-07:00

Woohoo!! IVF Nurse 3 just called with the results of my 5th beta, which was this morning. Drum roll, please. . . Today, 18dp5dt, my beta is 1081!!! And the crowd goes wild!! How exciting! I am still listed as a caution patient. She still gave me the weekend spill on what to look for if it is an ectopic pregnancy. But everyone is celebrating with me.

On Wednesday I put a little more pressure behind my questions and concerns about bleeding and progesterone. She agreed to add a P2 level check to the lab work for today. She was nice about it but I could tell she thought I was wasting my time and money getting my progesterone checked again. Even the phlebotomist raised her eyebrows when she saw the P2 level check was on the orders this morning. I had to stop her from running to question the nurse if that was correct by telling her that I had requested it. Well, surprise, surprise, there turned out to be something interesting there too. IVF Nurse 3 said that they like to see a minimum level of 30. Turns out mine is only 22.1. So THANK YOU to all those Internet blogs out there that I read that kept talking about progesterone. My PIO dosage has been increased from 1 cc to 2 cc's and I was warned that I was going to be on it for quite a while. I suppose the clinic doesn't like the patients to do their own doctoring and making them look bad. Ha ha ha. Whatever, I just glad to maybe be putting a stop to this bleeding and spotting. Its terrifying!

Obviously I am not out of the woods yet. But today I am celebrating.

Live to worry another day

2009-07-29T12:51:00.000-07:00

IVF Nurse 3 just called with the results from my 4th beta (oops, sorry. Originally said 3rd beta.) which was this morning. Today, 16dp5dt, my beta is 364. Everyone is more than pleased with the rise. But everyone is still concerned with the generally low number when considering how many days post transfer. I will do another (last) beta on Friday and I am scheduled for an early ultrasound on Monday.

From the ultrasound, they will be looking for the gestational sac and where it has implanted. The concern is that is ectopic, which I don't understand. How can an embryo implant in the Fallopian tubes when the fact that the Fallopian tubes are both 100% blocked from the uterus to the ovaries is the source of my fertility problems? Another concern is that the embryo has implanted on the cervix. Implanting on the cervix is iffy. The cervix doesn't stretch like the uterus would. I think the condition that would be the concern is placenta previa. But supposedly it might be okay because the placenta can move??? (I am not speaking as an expert here, just repeating what I thought I heard.) Implanting on the cervix might also explain why I bleed and continue to (painlessly) spot. The cervix can be sensitive and bleeds easily.

I am pleased that the ultrasound is on Monday. Hubby will be home and can go with me.

I also talked the nurse into adding a progesterone level check to my blood work on Friday. After reading tons of blogs and threads on forums, I am not satisfied with their standard answer of "progesterone is lowest after transfer (mine was around 52) and only increases as the placenta grows. You don't have to worry about that." I wonder if the progesterone might explain some of the spotting.

I also shared The Beta Base with my IVF nurse. She found the site very interesting.

Awww, so hubby and I get to continue on this roller coaster ride.

One tiny ray of sunshine????

2009-07-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

IVF Nurse 3 just called with my beta results from this morning. Today, 14dp5dt, my beta is 148. This number makes me excited and gives me hope. The nurse agreed that it was a good rise but they are still very concerned that it is so low compared to where I should be for 14 days post transfer. I go for another beta on Wednesday morning. After that they will decide whether I should do another beta or have an early ultrasound.

Everybody Limbo!

2009-07-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

Gosh, this has been such a roller coaster. Last Wednesday, when I received the 33 beta results, I was the most crushed. I spent the afternoon and evening crying or sleeping. Hubby got home on Thursday. He brought that bitch HOPE back into our lives. And then it was another blow on Friday when I received the 48 beta results. Hubby and I, sorta, escaped to the beach this past weekend. We didn't leave it totally behind, but we were distracted by making flights, picking up the rental car and all the things that go along with traveling. I went again this morning for a third beta. It is hard to be hopeful. But secretly I still am, though I have grieved for this as an unsuccessful IVF. I have tons of questions on how this is going to end. But no one has a crystal ball to tell me. All I can do is wait.

I have been avoiding BFF. At times, I think it is childish. At other times, just the thought of her pregnancy makes me want to throw up. I have sent her a one or two line email and a short "gone to the beach" text message. I don't know what she is thinking but I hope she doesn't mind a cold shoulder for a bit longer. I am still not ready to face that relationship.

My brother sent me a text message and left a voice mail message on Friday. He said he just couldn't wait for the third beta. I had told him previously that it would take 3 blood test to confirm pregnancy. I called him back at the airport. I told him how everything was going and cried while we waited on a delayed flight. I mentioned asking him if he would tell our mom, later after it was all worked out. I had some very specific things I wanted him to tell her and not to tell her. I wanted her to stop talking about stranger's babies in the grocery store and I didn't want her to know about the frozen embryos.

That asshole brother of mine called and told her on Saturday. I am pissed at him. I am sure he and my sister in law determined that it was the best thing for me that my mom know. But it wasn't his decision to make. I don't have any trust in him or my sister in law now and it will be a long time before I take or return their calls again. So now I have this betrayal to deal with emotionally, like I don't have enough things on my plate right now.

My mom left a voice mail message on Sunday evening. She sounded like she had been crying. It was a real short message. She said that D had told her on Saturday. That she was just now getting up the courage to call me. That she wished that there was something she could do. And that she loved me. I suppose that it is not horrible that she knows---I was working up to it when D took my choice away. I just don't want to talk to her (or anyone) while I am still in this limbo.

The clinic will call with the results of this third beta this afternoon. I don't know what comes next, whether the news be good or bad.

Son of a buck

2009-07-24T10:37:00.000-07:00

IVF Nurse 3 called again with second beta results. The number rose, but didn't double. Today, 11dp5dt, my beta is only 48.

Forecast: gray

2009-07-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

IVF Nurse 3 just called. My beta today, 9dp5dt, is 33. She claims to be cautiously optimistic and stresses that a rising beta is more important than what number the beta started at. I am not so optimistic, I think I know where this is headed.

I'm bleeding

2009-07-22T07:08:00.000-07:00

I'm bleeding. I woke up this morning to use the bathroom. It wasn't a comfortable experience, if you know what I mean. After I finished, I wiped the back and the front separately. I'm bleeding. No it is not spotting. It was all over the toilet paper. It is light pink/red, very wet.

I called my husband crying hysterically. He offered to ditch the plane in New Jersey or New York or where ever he was at. I just kept crying and saying I'm sorry. He talked me into getting dressed and getting out the door for my 8:00 am beta appointment.

At the clinic I started crying in the phlebotomist's chair. After the blood draw, she hugged me and put me in a room to see the nurse. It took about 15 mins. I am not sure what name I have given this nurse on this blog, I think she is IVF Nurse 3. But she was kind. I told her my story. I told her about all the faint positives and the bolder ones from yesterday afternoon. I described the blood from this morning. She told me bleeding is very common, something about placenta blood vessels bleeding. She told me that she wouldn't be worried even if I had told her that I had a pad full of blood. She told me that HPT rarely ever gave false positives--she had never seen one, only false negatives. She was shocked and pleased that I was seeing consistence faint positives as early as Sunday. She did say that the risk of miscarriage goes up to 30% if there is bleeding this early. She very calm, very reassuring. She said that I had to wait for the blood work to get back this afternoon. She said that anything 50 and above was going to be great. She said not to count myself out, yet.

I'm at work now. Many trips to the bathroom, a couple more spots on the pantyliner. No blood when I wipe. I am scared to death.

I said I wouldn't ever do it again, but I lied

2009-07-21T14:02:00.000-07:00

Just got back from my daily trip to the employee health clinic for my PIO shot. My (now) favorite nurse talked me into a pregnancy test (she actually put the pee on two test) after I was questioning her and complaining about faint lines and what the hell do they mean? She offered to give it her "professional" look over. The timer buzzed at three mins, she looked at both the test, and basically said "What are you talking about? You're pregnant!"

These are the boldest test in my gallery because their test are a tiny bit more sensitive than mine at home. These are Stanbio True 20 which are supposed to detect at 20 mIU/mL. First Response and ept are supposed to detect at 25 mIU/mL (I think).

No more pee sticks for me

2009-07-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

Did the whole POAS thing again this morning. Oh did I forget to mention that I did one on the phone with hubby yesterday evening? The same damn faint line both times. I am tired of it. I am just driving myself crazy with it. I am giving up pee sticks. Ovulation kits never did anything but drive me crazy, turns out their cousin, the HPT, are only doing the same. No more for me. I'll just wait for the blood test TOMORROW!

Knock on wood, brown spotting has stopped. And so far I have had a grand total of only one encounter with red/pink on the toilet paper. Let's hope it stays that way.

Did I mention previously that my back hurts? Did I mention that my back hurts A LOT!?!? Seriously I am one step away from walking around like a hunch back old lady. But it is definitely my back, dead center on my spine mid to lower back. No cramping sensations from the front.

I have officially driven hubby crazy with me too. It was all he could talk about on the phone last night. He was even the one to suggest the pee stick retest.

Just the facts, ma'am

2009-07-20T20:12:00.001-07:00

I thought that this would get easier. I thought I would pee on a stick. If I got a positive, it would be clear and then I would go happily on my way. Of course that is not is how it is going to work.

The facts are:

I've peed on 4 sticks so far. 3 have had very very faint positives. 1 stick (the second test) barely even had a shadow. (I have scoured HPT photo galleries comparing mine to others.)
This morning I started having some very stringy brown spotting.
Once this evening there was a little bit of pink/red on the toilet paper.
My back hurts (a typical AF symptom for me). Actually my back hurts A LOT.
NOW is the time for me to start my period.

The strength and regularity of my periods seems stronger than those 3 faint lines.

The cell phone commerical

2009-07-20T12:59:00.000-07:00

Have you seen that cell phone commercial where the wife is at home talking on the cell to the husband who is some where else walking through a hotel lobby with luggage in hand? The wife tells the hubby that she is pregnant and then there is dead silence on the other end of the line. She assumes that he isn't happy about the pregnancy. Meanwhile he is dancing and shouting in the middle of the hotel lobby. But she doesn't know that because the cell phone connection was lost.

I was afraid that that or something similar to that would happen to me and my hubby this week after I learned the out come of the beta. I didn't want to tell him it worked, and we are pregnant, or it didn't work with an airport intercom shouting in the background. So when he mentioned testing early on Sunday evening, I agreed and jumped on the chance.

The home pregnancy test was so faint, I could barley believe it (no telling how it will show up in the photo.) But right there in the window there was a little blue plus sign that both my husband and myself could see. 6dp5dt and the pregnancy test is positive.

Relief, first. Excitement for the rest of the evening.

This morning before I left for work, I tested again. The blue plus was even fainter (is that possible?). But a trip to pharmacy instead of a coffee break at work revealed 2 pink lines that even my BFF could see when I sent her the photo via text message. (The pink link seems much darker in real life than in the photo. I keep checking. Yep, both lines are still there.)

Dare I say it? It is soooooo early. It is not official. What if it is not true? But I think I might be pregnant.

Hubby says the nicest thing

2009-07-18T07:17:00.000-07:00

Hubby got home last night from 4 days on road. All week he has been listening to me worry every little thing to death. I am not the least bit squeamish sharing every tiny detail with him. And then repeating it all again just because I feel like saying it. He has been patiently listening. Mumbling yes and no at all the appropriate spots. He is positive. He is hopeful. But he is not overtly consumed as I am.

Last night after dinner (that included me going over everything, again), he was working on cleaning up the kitchen, I showed up topless and asked him if he thought my breast looked bigger? He didn't get that leery sexy look that would be normal if I showed up in the kitchen without shirt or bra. ;-) Instead he put the dish towel down and did a very contemplative inspection. Finally he got this very big grin on his face and pronounced "You know, I do think your breast are bigger." He said it in a way that sounded like something was being firmed up in his mind. His comment and tone has given me more hope than 10,000 Google searches.

Girl talk and TMI

2009-07-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I lured my very early pregnant BFF over to my house with promises of chocolate milk and a trip to the mall. Yes, yes there was chocolate milk in my fridge that we did drink and eventually we did end up at the mall but my real reason for asking her over was to ask her this "Not now at almost six weeks pregnant but before you told me you were pregnant at four weeks, did you have any symptoms or signs?"

I asked her because I could trust her to tell me the truth. And I knew that the pregnancy was so recent that she would remember. I also knew that she was aware and looking for a pregnancy so I was sure she would have noticed changes, if there were any. I, personally, am experiencing lots of something. But I don't know if it is all in my head (a very good possibility), related to the yeast infection, onset of Aunt Flo, related to the progesterone, or actual pregnancy symptoms. I needed information and I knew she would be my best source.

Of course she is not a doctor, nor does she play one on tv. Of course every pregnancy is different. But she reported to me her earliest sign was strange discharge. She says it occurred about 4-6 days before she took the pregnancy test (which she took exactly 28 days after the first day of her last period) and went away after about 3 or 4 days. She described (after threats of physical harm--we are not the type of people that normally set around talking about body fluids) that the discharge was, at times, chunky and, at other times, just very very wet. She said that right after she took the pregnancy test she started experiencing the additional trips to the bathroom to pee in the middle of the night. And now at six weeks is starting to have very tender breast, bloat, and fatigue.

Of course I am comparing my notes to hers (hence why I asked). My yeast infection was never itchy, just my girl parts were bright red, tender, and the discharge chunky. The irritation may have been due to the retrieval. The called in pill from the pharmacy may be curing an actual yeast infection. Or maybe it was a symptom. . .

My breast feel tighter, fuller. Not sensitive, just bigger.

My low back hurt yesterday. Absolutely without a doubt, I couldn't ignore it. I thought it was Aunt Flo ish. Maybe it was my bed, my work chair, or my car's seat. But it hurt. Today it is only a little sore, easily ignored.

Also, I think my Internet pal Katie might be correct, I think the progesterone will keep Aunt Flo from visiting. A Google search found only one reference to a person getting their period while still on progesterone and many people stating that they didn't get their period until after they stopped taking the shots.

Not stupid, just slow

2009-07-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

After much counting on the calendar, I just realized that I am going to have a pretty good idea whether I am pregnant or not by Monday; Tuesday at the latest. My body's normal cycle is very strong and very regular. Neither stress nor wishing has ever keep Aunt Flow from visiting right on time each month. Her little dog Spot usually shows up a day before she does. If I make it to beta, I am pretty sure I know what the results will be.

The ramblings of a NOT crazy person

2009-07-16T05:45:00.000-07:00

I would love to say that I have been a not crazy person googling every little thing about early pregnancy. But who am I trying to kid? I would love to say that I haven't imagined myself to have every "early pregnancy symptom". No, no that wasn't me that woke up in the middle of the night with nausea that I either dreamed or have worried myself into. But again, who am I trying to kid? I would love to say that every meaning full conversation (who am I kidding? Thought is a better word here.) hasn't been about a potential pregnancy. But again, I would only be lying to myself. Everyone knows that this horrible, torturous waiting is well, horrible and torturous, right?

I called my brother on my second day of bed rest. We talked for a long time. Yesterday after work, he called me back. He and my sister-in-law, both got on the phone to tell me that they were thinking about me and wishing for the best. My sister-in-law is a real marriage and family counselor--degrees, a private practice and everything. I always feel like I need to watch what I say around her. But she is just so darn easy to talk to, I always end up spilling the beans. Yesterday was no exception. I didn't ask for an official report on how I am dealing with all of this but she didn't call in the men in white suits after we talked, so maybe I am not totally crazy. . .yet.

I also had another pleasant (read unpleasant) run in with my clinic's inability to do anything right the first time. All my post op paperwork said that I needed to schedule a progesterone check on 7/15 and a beta on 7/23. I scheduled the progesterone check and went in. While there I also scheduled the beta. IVF Nurse 3 left the results in my voice mail box and also the information that the clinic doesn't do betas for IVF's on Thursdays; only Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I called Ms Smiles A Lot and we had another nice chat about that scheduling problem and the fact IVF Nurse 3 never called me back last Friday. Officially my file/case has been transferred to Nurse Through and I should never hear from IVF Nurse 3 again. The only hitch in that is that Nurse Through is going to be on vacation all next week, so I get to meet with a 4th IVF nurse that week. Sigh.

I kinda feel like having the frozen embryos is kinda a jinx. (Yes, I am really grateful that we had some to freeze. Deep down I know that they are a blessing.) Having a Plan B seems to imply that we don't expect Plan A to work out. My hubby scoffs at this train of thought. In his line of work, they always have a Plan B. The leader always even briefs the crew on Plan B before the project starts. He is much more comfortable having a Plan B than I am. I have never had a Plan B before, in work or in life. I always figure I can make Plan A happen, sometimes with additional efforts or a little bit of tweaking.

I woke up this morning with an achy back. I first tried reasoning with myself. This is not the first time my bed has hated me. But then I thought this felt different than all the other times. So I started to let myself hope. On the way into work, I remembered that I often get backaches with the approach of Aunt Flo. That thought deflated my balloon and I decided to ignore the backache.

I have been paying close attention to my breast. Do they seem bigger, fuller? Maybe a little bit. The areolas seem bigger, redder, more dimply. Is anything tender? Hum, I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not.

Maybe my sister in law should have called the men in white coats and had me fitted for a straight jacket and a padded room.

The day after

2009-07-14T08:07:00.001-07:00

Another day of bed rest.

I just checked my voice mail box with the clinic. 3 Embryos have been frozen. Woohoo!!!

I also talked to Nurse Through (IVF nurse #3 never returned my call last Friday---not dealing with her anymore. I prefer someone who actually cares about their patients.) TMI, but I am developing a yeast infection. All the antibiotics and rooting round down there, I guess it is no surprise. But she is calling me something in to the pharmacy. They would rather I took something orally verses vaginally.

My mom called me last night and left a voice mail message that she hadn't heard from me in a while and they were wondering what I was up to. My mom knows IVF was in my future, she doesn't know that I am doing it right now. My dad (doesn't know anything) called this morning at 7:00 am, to see if I was okay. The phone ringing that early shocked me and I answered it before I realized. I faked a stomach virus. Maybe if it had been mom I would have talked about the last couple of days. But Dad? No way!

I really have been in my own little world with this IVF.

Transfer

2009-07-14T06:58:00.000-07:00

IMHO, transfer could use some more drugs. It was invasive. It was uncomfortable (the whole full bladder thing SUCKED!) It took longer. All of which could be cured with some happy drugs flowing through an IV.

I got up early and went to acupuncture first. That appointment started out relaxing but turned into making me feel trapped. It is one thing to have needles stuck all over and be enjoying the sounds of the crashing surf. Quite another to have needles stuck all over, listening to the crashing surf and HAVE to use the bathroom. I guess that I should have asked for the sappy flute music instead.

At the clinic we were whisked away to the surgery center. And so continued the battle of the full bladder. I really think that the bladder doesn't have to be all that full (heads up to you IVF'ers that are right behind me). I peed several times and what remained was still enough to position the uterus and give a clear ultrasound picture and cause me much misery.

Hubby dawned scrubs. I dressed for the event in my lovely green gown-with tee shirt and bra on underneath this time. They told me to take my Val.ium. Dr James Taylor (because that was the music he requested be played in the surgery room) came and introduced himself. Lots of nurses came by to sign forms and check wrist bands. I continued the eternal debate of going to the bathroom.

Dr Cupcake played the role of embryologist and came by and talked to us about our embryos. We were surprised to learn that an additional egg had fertilized, bringing our fertilization count up to 11. But that the new addition had not survived and we still had our original ten. Two were picked out to transfer. I was a little foggy (remember I had already taken the Val.ium) but I believe that one was graded BD and the other BB (the BD being the one more fully expanded of the two). That left eight embryos remaining in culture. Of which half looked viable for freezing, though no one would know for sure until the next day.

Hubby and I went back to the surgery room for the actual transfer. We were warned that the room would be dark (apparently embryos don't like light. . . just like gremlins!) and cold. It was. But I had lots of warm blankets around me. Hubby was taken to the incubator and allowed to look through the microscope and see our embryos in real time. He was told by the embryologist that our smaller embryo had grown quite a bit in the last hour and was now also an offical BD. Meanwhile I enjoyed less entertaining activities of having my feet placed in the stirrups, my warm blankets rearranged, speculum inserted, cervix cleaned, and cleaned some more. Hubby came back to my side. They loaded the Cather. Inserted it. Released the embryos. Embryologist checked to make sure the Cather was clear. And then started the clock on my one hour bed rest and time before I could got to the bathroom. I was wheeled back to the recovery room.

I am so embarrassed. I couldn't make it for the hour until I could go to the restroom. I ended up using a bed pan as soon as I was allowed. The nurses were nice about it. But I still feel like I might die of shame.

After an hour laying down with a pillow under my knees, I was allowed to get up, use the rest room, get dressed, and leave. I spent the rest of the day at home on bed rest.

ROAR!!!

2009-07-10T07:23:00.000-07:00

"Your embryos are progressing quite nicely." That is it. No more information. That was basically the only comment from the Lab this morning in my voice mail box. The woman went on to say that I was on track for a day 5 transfer. See you on Monday. The end.

ROAR!!!!

No information on how many still exist. No information on whether they are 2 cell, 4 cell or 6 cell. Though I guess that I could assume that at least one is in the 4 cell stage, since the transfer was not moved to day 3. For goodness sakes people, I NEED DETAILS!!

I called the clinic and left a voice mail message with one of the three IVF nurses that I have seen. Hopefully, I will be able to get some more information.

First fertilization report

2009-07-09T07:52:00.000-07:00

We already knew 16 were retrieved. This morning's report is that 15 of those matured. The lab did ICSI magic to all of them. And abracadabra we now have 10 fertilized embryos.

I think I can resume breathing for a few hours now.

BFF

2009-07-08T20:22:00.001-07:00

It is official. BFF is pregnant. Surprise, surprise two pink lines on a pregnancy test actually do exist.

She was kind and gentle about telling me. We went over the news from my retrieval. We were talking about possible twins for me. I said something about having my hands full. She replied that she would come help me out. I said something about how she would probably have her hands already full by that time. She took it from there and announced that she had received two pink lines on a pregnancy test this evening.

I really really am happy for her.

But I am selfishly concerned about myself. (How small of a person I feel.)

I said all the right words. (I think.) She acknowledged that she knew I was going through a lot and she was concerned for my feelings. I really appreciated that. We talked about her due date, which room she was going to use for a nursery, and whether she wanted a girl or boy.

I'm happy for her. I really really am. Please God let this work for me.

First PIO injection

2009-07-08T20:12:00.001-07:00

Hubby successfully gave me my first PIO shot this afternoon. The nurse at the surgery center drew two huge smiley faces on my hips/butt as a target. I left the instructions, meds, and needles on the bathroom counter. I put an ice pack on my hip and told hubby to wake me whenever he was ready. He read the instructions about six times. Researched on the Internet the conversion of cc's to ml's to l's (1cc:1ml:1g, if anyone is wondering). Looked through every single needle to make sure he had the correct ones. And finally woke me up to give me the shot.

I felt a little prick and started to think to myself "why is he dragging this out? Just give me the damn thing." But before I could complete that thought, he announced it was finished. Woohoo, he gets an A+!!! I laid with my butt on the heating pad and went back to sleep. Not a problem at all. Thank goodness.

Retrieval and some damn good drugs

2009-07-08T18:06:00.000-07:00

First and most importantly, they retrieved 16 eggs this morning. I was hoping for more (who ever isn't?) but 16 seems to be a pretty respectable number.

Now the story:

Last night I felt horrible. I don't know if it was all in my head but giving my HUGE belly a name, mild OHS, really cranked up the volume on my feelings of bloating and cramps. I couldn't get comfortable. I wasn't hungry. I couldn't use the bathroom for relief. I was just a beached whale on the couch.

Got up early this morning. Hubby did his thing. Why oh why do guys complain? But he wasn't getting any sympathy from me, no matter how small the cup was. I think this was the start of my slippery slope. We got into a HUGE fight on the way to the clinic. Seriously I was hyperventilating and crying. I have never done that in my life. The stress was just too much. Luckily we got to the clinic early enough to lay down our swords in the car.

Arriving at a few mins before 7:30 am we beat the staff there. But the surgery nurse showed up soon after us and called us back. They took hubby's cup back to the lab and led us to a recovery room. Ugly green gown and a warming blanket for me. Had a little trouble removing all my jewelry but surgical lube finally slid off my toe rings. The nurse took one look at my pitiful veins and went and got the anesthesiologist to insert the IV into my left hand. Not a problem, one of my major worries down.

We were told Dr Cupcake always runs a few mins late. Hubby and I chatted. Had plenty of bathroom breaks. Couple of nurses and the anesthesiologistcame by to talk and to us to make sure we knew what was going to happen and sign forms. Finally, finally Dr Cupcake arrived. She came in to see how everyone was doing and to signal the start of the main event.

I was given something via IV before I left the room that made the speed of the bed on the way to the surgery room seem like a roller coaster. My only memories of inside the surgery room are awareness of 4-5 purple scrub clad people, scooting over to the table, and a nurse telling me and picking up one knee to see if jumbo stirrups fit me correctly. She set my leg back on the table and that was it, I was out like a light.

I woke up in a very pleasant drug induced state back in the recovery room. (Hubby says I was gone only about 20 mins.) I remember telling my hubby that I wished that we had brought our dogs so that I could snuggle with them. I told every nurse that checked on me that the drugs were some good stuff and asked for a six pack to go. The IV wore off a bit and I started to feel some cramps. They gave me a Loratab. Had a Sprite. Peed. Embryologist came and talked to us. Afterwards we were free to go.

I came home and slept most of the day on the heating pad. The cramps are pretty much gone now (knock on wood). Hubby left for work at 7:00 pm. I plan on going to work tomorrow. We will receive a fertilization report around noon tomorrow.

Didn't see that coming

2009-07-07T12:57:00.000-07:00

E2 level from this morning's blood draw is at 6698. I am officially suffering from mild, grade 1, Ovarian Hyperstimulation (E2 level greater than 6000 pmol/L). Right now I am in the wait and see stage. But the nurse (IVF nurse 3) mentioned that Dr Cupcake would talk to me tomorrow about possibly freezing the embryos if the situation got any worse.

I feel okay. Yes lefty and righty are taking turns being crampy. But what is new about that? I am in a pretty stinky mood. But I think that has to do with not being about to move my right arm. Nope, my clothes don't fit. But that too is also not new news.

I am solving one problem while another is being created.

I found someone to do my PIO shots during the week (hubby is off weekends in July). My work's Employee Health Clinic! Yeah! The fertility clinic had to fax over the orders to the clinic. But tada, I have a standing 3:30 appointment from Thursday until the pregnancy test. No cost to me. No worrying about BFF's schedule. No worrying about BFF's hubby seeing my butt nor his schedule (he offered to do them). No worrying if the PIO shots are something that I can do on my own. Problem solved.

A rant, pure in simple

2009-07-07T09:31:00.000-07:00

I've had it up to here--drawing imaginary line across forehead. Just a warning this post is going to be one complaint after another, so if you are a "positive mental attitude" kinda person, you're not going to like it and right now I am not interested in looking on the bright side.

Those damn phlebotomist at the clinic insist on drawing blood from the same damn arm, same damn vein, in the same damn spot. It hurts! And this morning it hurt even more than normal, not in a girly get over it kinda way but in a swearing like a truck driver kinda way. The phlebotomist said that the vein was now "blown", whatever that means. I still have an IV and more blood draws to go. Too bad folks, you are going to have to get if from somewhere else!

I hate mega clinic. It feels like a machine and they treat the patients like they were on an assembly line. You know that I haven't seen my dr since March!?!?! My dr is doing the retrieval but a dr that I have never even met is doing the transfer. I rarely get the same phlebotomist. I have met with 3 different IVF nurses (a different one this morning). I bitched about it to IVF nurse this morning and she said that is the way it is done at most big clinics. (Only Wanda is the same person.)

The 2 trigger shots last night were horrible. Actually the first one wasn't so bad, it was the second one that was bad. I hate turning over control to hubby. I am a control freak. There I said it. I admit it. And I still have progesterone in oil shots still to look forward to. Hubby won't be doing all those (he travels a lot for work) and I am still working out the details of who will. Giving them to myself in the thigh is looking more and more attractive. Who cares if I limp the next day!

I'm tired of "making up" time at work. My boss is more than understanding. She doesn't mind. However I work it is fine with her. This morning I just put the time down as sick time rather than working through lunch and working over a half of hour. I am just tired of not being a normal routine employee. Who am I kidding? My mind isn't even here when my body is!

That is it. I am done ranting.

Retrieval: date and time

2009-07-06T13:07:00.000-07:00

Checked my voice mail just a few mins ago. It is official. No more Lupron or Bravella for me. For those keeping score, I did 9 and a half days of simulations. 39 abdominal shots all total! If I had know this morning that those two injections would be my last, I would have had a little party before I stuck the needles in. I am supposed to take all of both my Ovidrel shots tonight at 9:30 pm. My E2 level, this morning, was 4826. I was told that if my E2 levels came in under 5000, I would be required to take at least a portion of both shots. Retrieval is set for 8:30 am Wednesday morning. And a day 5 transfer (I was warned that it might change to a day 3 transfer based on what my eggs/embryos looked like) is scheduled for Monday, July 13th at 10:30 am.

Ladies and gentleman fasten your seat belts. This ride is picking up speed.

The home stretch. . .we think

2009-07-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

Ultrasound this morning, day 10 of stims, showed 19 really big follicles and 3 follicles less than 10. Go team, go! Lefty ovary has lapped righty with 12 of the superstars. Over the weekend lefty and righty took turns being all crampy. But all is forgiven now that the end is in sight.

After Wanda dismissed me with a "I probably won't see you again until after retrieval" I had some questions for Nurse Through and was instructed to wait in the ultrasound waiting area for her to appear. A girl and a guy came out of one of Wanda's other rooms and sat near me. The guy was holding onto a ultrasound photo. I only caught a glimpse and couldn't tell anything but the way he couldn't take his eyes off it, I am guessing it was confirmation of a pregnancy. I was getting pretty antsy being near such happiness and was thinking about waiting in the hall. The guy turned to the girl and said "it took $4,000 for this." I don't know, maybe he was thinking of the boat he could have had. His tone said "$4,000! That is a lot!" But I couldn't help but grin. I was thinking "$4,000! How cheap!"

I finally got to ask Nurse Through my questions. Hum, they were actually my hubby's questions. He was relived when I relayed that he could do the sample at home and just bring it in on the day of retrieval.

It looks like Ovidrel for trigger tonight. No shots tomorrow. E2 level only again in the morning. And retrieval on Wednesday morning. But I won't know for sure until my E2 levels from this morning are back and I check my voice mail box this afternoon.

Short and sweet

2009-07-03T12:02:00.000-07:00

Today, day 7 of stims, I still have 16 strong and growing follicles. Lefty ovary is out shining righty ovary with it's 6 superstars, while righty only has 2 superstars. Most of the class is clocking in around the 13 whatever the unit of measure is but one follicle is clocking in at 16. Nurse Through doesn't seem concerned about biggie follicle. She said that the Lupron will keep my body from responding to it but that it will probably not be viable for fertilization. She seemed very positive and upbeat about the results of my follicle ultrasound.

Blood draw not that big of a problem this morning after two bottles of water. (Though the assistant still had to go get the master.) My E2 is clocking in at 1361.

Using a Weegie Board, crystal ball, and a magic wand Nurse Through estimates retrieval for Wednesday, July 8th. Of course that is only an estimation and things might change.

Yesterday I started to experience some cramping from my expanding ovaries. Mostly on my right side. Which doesn't make any sense. Lefty is the superstar with 6 really great follicles. What has righty got to complain about with only 2?

E2 level

2009-07-02T05:43:00.000-07:00

My E2 level yesterday, day 5 of stims, was 364. Nurse Through on the voice mail message seemed really pleased with it. She even made the comment "your E2 levels are so nice at 364 that Dr. Cupcake has decided not to make any changes to your medication routine."

But I can't stay off the Internet and I had to get a 2nd opinion from Dr. Google. I found this chart from Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago (here is the link http://www.advancedfertility.com/ivfstim.htm). And though it has no specific numbers from 0-1000, I think I fall in the "normal" range.

The beginning or the end?

2009-07-01T10:07:00.000-07:00

I have to mentally start getting myself ready for something. I am confident that my BFF is about to be announcing that she is pregnant soon.

She and her hubby have been trying off and on since September. She was put on Chlomid two cycles ago by her OB/GYN. The first cycle had some bad timing but her body functioned as it was supposed to. For the second and most recent cycle, her body functioned as it was supposed to and they had great timing (so she reports). She is now officially 1 week into the 2 week wait.

I don't like her hubby. They have had some very severe relationship problems rather recently. (He wanted to move out in April. They were talking about divorce.) IMO, those problems haven't been addressed sufficiently and still lurk under the surface. Which is a horrible situation to deal with infertility in and/or to bring a baby into. But BFF is confident that the problems are all now water under the bridge.

I have to get ready to put aside my thoughts about her hubby. I have to get ready to put aside my struggle with infertility. I have to get ready to be happy for her. I can do this. It wouldn't be hard at all. The thought us of being pregnant together, of raising children together excites me more than I can describe. My cup would runneth over if she and I could experience this together.

It is the other side of IVF's success rates that scare me. The percentages that don't result in a pregnancy. I know I will be devastated if this doesn't work for us. I have no idea how I would be able to cope if I have to watch my BFF grow with a child while I didn't. I don't know how I would control my jealously and be happy for her. I don't know how I would survive without her support. I don't think I would be able to be a good friend to her when she needed me. I don't know how our friendship would survive.

Sweet 16

2009-07-01T06:53:00.000-07:00

Today, morning of 5th day of simulations, Wanda revealed that I have 16 follicles stewing in my ovaries. One on each ovary measuring slightly over 10 whatever the unit of measure is, 5 on the left ovary measuring at 10, and the remainder coming in at under 10. The left ovary has slightly more follicles (9, I believe) than the right (7, I think). Wanda says that the larger ones aren't out pacing their brothers and sisters too much and everything looks good.

The meeting with Wanda started off on the wrong foot when she didn't knock and barged into the exam room. The wrong foot being that my butt was naked, not covered and on the exam table. (Have I mentioned before that I hate my clinic's staff? Another example of why.) She didn't even apologize. Just said something like "I can see you are not ready yet." My reply "No but thanks for knocking before you barge in." Sarcasm has always been my best friend when caught, literally, with my pants down.

On her take two entrance into the exam room, she explained that I shouldn't get my hopes up, a lot of people have no visible follicles at this point. (I thought that rather odd.) She said that she was hoping to see five, that five was a good starting point. I was pleased to see more than five. I have never been a straight A student but I have always been better than average. Glad to see my status continuing.

I also met with Dracula's assistance. She did some rooting around for a vein that reminded me of a horse trying to sniff out sugar cubes but not near so cute. After one bloodless stab she went and fetched Dracula and I was turned over to someone who understood my veins. Dracula drew blood on her first stab--too bad she went for basically the same spot as her pal, it hurt! Note to self: drink 2 bottles of water before the next blood draw, even if I have to get up at 6:00 am to do it.

Will receive additional instrustions and my E2 levels in my voice mailbox this afternoon.

Shots, shots, and more shots

2009-06-29T10:33:00.001-07:00

On Saturday I started giving myself Bravelle in the morning and the evening along with a single and lower dose of Lupron. The Bravelle doesn't hurt. My feeling about it's many vials and mixing is nicely summed up by another blogger who said something along the lines of "mixing sodium chloride with the two vials of Bravelle and heating it in a dirty spoon over a flame in my den of iniquity." (Sorry don't remember who to cite.) I added a dose to my purse, just in case I am going to be out for an evening. I don't mind.

Each time I inject the Bravelle I think about $90 and ask myself if I had $90 worth of fun while I was doing it. My stomach is starting to have so many needle marks (only one tiny bruise) that I am beginning to worry about having enough real estate (bear in mind I am avoiding a huge belly button to pubic hair scar) to complete the cycle. The packaging of the meds and syringes is filling my trash can. In general, the fun of the shots is wearing off and they are becoming a real drag.

Near and far

2009-06-29T09:45:00.001-07:00

I went to church for the first time in a while on Sunday (have been skipping because of Mother's Day, Father's Day and our cruise). We had a guest speaker who introduced himself as having 3 children, a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a nine day old baby. Of course his sermon was children/parents related.

I couldn't help but feeling hurt from the sermon. Raising godly children? My only plea is "Lord, just give me the chance." I wonder if Fertile Melvin ever gave a second thought to any infertiles in his audience. I wonder if he ever considered any of us who's hearts would be breaking from want at his words.

Yes, my church is full of families with children. I am sure they learned a lot from his sermon. My church is huge. It tries to meet so many people at so many different stages and places in life. It has large youth programs, a thriving Hispanic ministry, and a very active group of over 60 adults. But never once in the almost 2 years that I have been attending have I heard a sermon specifically addressed to me. Me being a 30 year old, educated, working adult. Me married but whose hubby spends half the month gone, away working. Me struggling so hard with infertility.

Some people think that IVF and other IF treatments are ungodly or trying to "play God." I whole heartily disagree. Learning the details of conception, I truly know God as the master creator. Struggling with IF, I know how to put my faith in God. IF is such a private hurt, I know God is the only one who fully understands my pain. It is to God who I address my daily prayers of wants and needs. I have never felt closer to God.

But I have never felt further away from church and other people. There are hundreds of people at my church. I know you can't see infertility. Surely there must be one or two or three others who hearts long for a baby but whose bodies are unwilling. So few people understand the details of IVF and IF treatments (there are even levels of knowledge among IF bloggers!) but so many people make quick, uninformed judgements. (I even count the "pre me" among the uninformed.) IF has also taught me something about judging when I don't know all the information.

I have never felt closer to God. But I have never felt further away from church and other people.

More bumbling

2009-06-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

Seriously, my clinic can't do the simplest of things correctly the first time. No joke. The office staff at this clinic is HORRIBLE!!! You name it; scheduling, records, financial. Not a single damn thing can they get right the first time around.

The clinic just left a voice mail message that one of the E2 and ultrasound appointments that I have coming up is "no longer available." WTF?? Yesterday it was available? But today it is not?

You bet your a$$ that I have called the office manager and left a message. Ms Smiles A Lot and I are going to become really good friends because she said "you call me if you have any more problems." Well surprise, surprise, I have another problem.

All systems GO!

2009-06-25T14:09:00.000-07:00

After much voice mail box fumbling, I finally got my E2 level. It is 14. Woohoo!!! All systems go! Now the game plan is to drop the Lupron down to 5 units every morning (this dose of Lupron will remain the same for the rest of my cycle) and starting on Saturday I will be giving myself 150 units (2 vials) of Bravelle in the morning and again, 12 hours later, in the evening.

Suppression check and information overload

2009-06-25T09:43:00.000-07:00

Today was my suppression check. I ran the gauntlet at the clinic giving away body fluids and showing off my "private parts" to every one. In exchange I received the most information ever. Today I was most impressed by my clinic, in fact very very impressed.

First stop was with Dracula for blood draw. She was a bit grumpy to begin with. But we both warmed to each other when my blood flowed on the first jab. The blood draw was to check my estradiol levels. Supposed to have those results by 3:30 this afternoon.

Next stop was a visit with Wanda. She confirmed that both my ovaries were peachy suppressed. Lining very thin at 5.1 whatever the unit of measure is. It is so strange. During all those Ferma cycles my prayer was for the lining to be thick and follicles to be large. Not so today. The desired results of a suppression check being so opposite of a "normal" follicular ultrasound check that I didn't even wear my fertility socks. I didn't want the socks to somehow bring forth thick lining and a single well developed follicle. Very, very strange. Wanda did reveal a para cyst on the left ovary. But I was told that it was tiny, normal and nothing to stop the big show.

Next I was ushered to an exam room for a visit with a nurse practitioner who I had never met. Nurse Through was very through with my comprehensive exam. We went over ever medical condition that I had ever had. We talked about anesthesia. We reviewed how to give the Brevelle injections. We talked about the day of retrieval and the day of transfer. I asked how the sinusitis that I am suffering now is going to affect the cycle. (Thank goodness it won't! I was scared that I would be canceled due to my runny nose, hurting ear, and difficult breathing.)

Nurse Through also did a trial embryo transfer. Which I think is a stupid description and much prefer the term uterus mapping. Absolutely nothing was "transferred" to me. Only a catheter was inserted to measure the depth of my uterus. See why I think trial embryo transfer is a stupid description? Only a slight cramping sensation. And because Nurse Through is so through, she measured it twice. Two slight cramping sensations. But good news a stitch will not be required on the day of retrieval.

Next I met with Dr Wizard from the lab to discuss what was going to happen to my eggs and hubby's sperm while they were behind the curtain (are you getting all the Wizard of Oz references here?) and out of our bodies. I really, really loved Dr Wizard. I will trust my embryos to her. She showed up with books, pictures, and a huge nerdy knowledge of all things microscopic. She was everything I dreamed of in an embryologist. She had a spill planned but I kept asking questions so I think I got more information than we both bargained for.

In no particular order here are some of the things that I learned. . .

My clinic uses one type of medium to grow eggs and embryos. It is made for and delivered to the clinic every two weeks. Just in case there is something wrong with a batch, the eggs are divided and stored in two different lots of the medium. I like this modern day take on the old fashion term "don't put your eggs in one basket".
All containers, vials, and dishes are single use. The dishes that contain my eggs/embryos will be engraved with my information. They don't use stickers or ink to write on the containers because they don't want any reaction from dyes or glues. My containers will be stored on a shelf by themselves with my name on it in the incubator.
Each lab person works with only one couple's eggs/embryos and sperm at a time. No multi tasking allowed.
During ICSI there is some selection of the strongest and fastest, just as in nature. The sperm are placed in the bottom of a dish. Solution is added on top of them. Whoever swims up first is grabbed and selected for implanting in the egg. (Of course, if a two tailed monster swims up first they are going to go to the next one.)
Despite the little exercise described above, ICSI doesn't lend itself to creating children of one sex or the other. You would think that it would with all the old wives tales of girl sperm swim faster and boy sperm live longer. But Dr Wizard said no and I tend to believe her, otherwise most ICSI's would produce girl babies.
Contrary what I read on someone else's blog, they do not cut the tails off of sperm during ICSI. Sperm move/swim due to 9 little hairs on the tail. Disrupt the hairs, the sperm don't run away. No cutting off/removing the tails required.
ICSI does not fertilize eggs. ICSI penetrates the oolemma and places the sperm into the inner part of the egg. It is still up to the egg to divide it's 46 chromosomes (packing 23 away into a little suitcase) and incorporate the sperm's 23 chromosomes into it's growth.
After eggs are retrieved they are allowed to continue/fully mature for 1-2 hours before they are placed with sperm. With the trigger shot and retrieval they knowingly removed immature eggs because they don't want the body to ovulate and release the eggs. But after retrieval they have to let the eggs finish maturing before they introduce the sperm.
Not dissing 3 day transfers but with a 5 day transfer, embryos have already divided themselves numerous time and cells within the embryos have already been assigned one of two jobs, 1) become part of the baby or 2) become part of the baby's support system. The division of these two types of cells are viewable with microscope, they just don't know which clump of cells has which job.
Day 6 the cells really do burst forth and hatch. They send out little slim feelers searching for a uterine wall to implant in. The pictures are amazing.

The list above is not all inclusive of the things Dr Wizard and I talked about but they are some of the most interesting. Do you see why I liked Dr Wizard? I am really glad that she is on my team.

After Dr Wizard, I met once again with Dumb Ass Bitch financial manager. I had to sign a form that said that I would pay for everything that insurance didn't pay for. She made such a big deal of "everyone has to sign this waiver on suppression day" that I got the drift that I probably should have been required to sign the waiver when I paid my bill but Dumb Ass Bitch made another mistake and didn't present it to me to sign at the correct time. Also I believe that the fact that she had whited out the date and filled in today's day as a clue to what day I was supposed to sign the form. Needless to say, she remembered me and was glacierly cold.

For a grand finale, I was assigned a voice mailbox to check everyday by 3:30 (hence how I will be told my E2 level this afternoon) and scheduled for 3 more E2 and ultrasound checks. I think that we are underway.

Update: I was told to check my voice mailbox when I got home to make sure it worked. It doesn't work. Sigh. Another example of bumbling. . .

Acts of God

2009-06-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

A little more than a month ago, I posted this entry http://butamoment-breath.blogspot.com/2009/05/rolling-along.html about how we were planning on paying for IVF. I made some snappy comment like "We would like to leave 2k-3k in the bank just in case the roof caves in, the wheels fall off the car, or either one of us loses our jobs." Well wouldn't you know it, the karma gods heard me and sent a storm to our house last night.

A tree branch took out our power line to the house, pulled the point of attachment pole off the side of the house, and fried all the wires in the meter base. Neither hubby nor I were home. It had just happened when I pulled into the driveway. A neighbor ran across the yard (barefoot) to tell me what happened. Four firetrucks pulled in right behind me. Apparently there had been quite the boom and fireworks when the live wires touched metal. The brick around the meter box is very scorched. But no fire by the time I got there and no fire damage to the house or it's contents. Thank God!

The electric company says none of it is their responsibility. An electrician is at the house working right now. His quote is $2,500. The work has to be inspected by the city before the electric company will reattach the power lines. Who knows how long it will be before we have power restored? We have put a call into our home owner's insurance.

The moral of the story, plan for a worst case scenario. You never know when you might need it. If we didn't have the safety net of 3k in our bank account, I don't know what we would be doing right now.

What $2,444.32 of drugs looks like

2009-06-19T05:41:00.000-07:00

Despite my previous thoughts, I did end up with a photo of all my drugs stacked neatly in a pile.

Boo hiss hiss to Village Pharmacy who sent me the Lupron, not as promised but they finally got it here. They continue to be a screwy pharmacy in my opinion, I have received other people's shipping and delivery confirmations in my email. So if you have the same name as mine and live on Bear Hill Rd in Waltham, MA, good luck on your fertility treatment, too. Just a heads up though, if your meds are billed to my credit card, I will not be paying for them.

I ordered all the other meds from The Apothecary Shops. Very pleased with their services. The phone call was painless. They promised to delivery between noon and 5:00 pm the next day. My box arrived around 2:15 pm. I recommend them. I might have paid $100 or so more, but at least I am not worried about someone else having my medical information along with my real name and address.

All together, here is what I got. . .

Lupron 2 week kit $125.00
Bravelle 44 vials 2,011.56
Ovidrell 2 prefilled syringes 157.76
Medrol 4 tablets 18.00
Tetracycline 16 pills 12.00
Progesterone in oil 120.00
2 sharps containers, 93 needles, 30 Q-caps, and a mountain of alcohol prep pads Free.

I did it!

2009-06-17T05:38:00.000-07:00

I gave myself my very first shot this morning. I didn't know how I was going to do it, I only knew that I was going to get it done. I went to bed last night worrying about it. Got up early this morning worrying about it. I tried to talk hubby into giving it but he would only commit to "helping" which I knew meant not actually putting needle to flesh. But I did it! All by myself.

Nope it didn't hurt. Those needles for Lupron are tiny and downright hairlike. Thank goodness.

The only reason I had any doubts is because about 8 years ago I had a single horrible migraine. Had never had one before in my life. Never really had too much of a headache even. Curled up in bed for a couple of days, finally a dr prescribed an injectable pen. I couldn't do it. I couldn't put the pen to my thigh and push the button. But neither could hubby, nor could my mom. My dad finally was the one brave enough to do the deed. (Yes, I thought of this situation when I was picking which type of FSH I wanted to use.) See why I wasn't looking forward to shots? I don't consider myself scared of needles, just scared to inflict them upon myself.

1 down, 999,999 (it seems) left to go.

Drugs, take two

2009-06-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

The Apothecary Shops is sending me everything else that I need tomorrow between noon and 5:00 pm. The cost of injectables and the pills (tetracycline and something else in pill form was also prescribed) is $2.319.26. Of course I already have the Lupron from the Village Fertility Pharmacy for $125. So it looks like my total drug cost is $2,444.26. Which changes my IVF total to $12,530.26.

Bravelle is clocking in at $45.49 per vial (44 vials!) with the Ferring HEART Program.

The clinic wrote the script to include two Ovidrel prefilled syringes. The Apothecary Shop representative said that my clinic always did this. I am not sure why, none of my paperwork references that I might need two HCG shots. I want to put a question in to IVF nurse CIQ to see if that is correct but for some strange reason no one (or machine) is answering the phone at the clinic. Hum, not sure if the problem is my cell phone or if it is them. . .

One tiny vial & 34 needles

2009-06-15T09:32:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in the post right before this one, my Lupron was delivered on Saturday at noon. The little tiny vial came with the sharps container, a mountain of alcohol swabs and enough needles to start my own acupuncture clinic. Even though it only one of my IVF drug, it did make quite a nice picture for this blog.
Also IVF nurse CIQ just called me back. Many apologies from the Village Fertility Pharmacy rep to her. But apologies don't float my boat. So I asked her to call my prescription into somewhere else. I suggested Freedom Pharmacy (just read it mentioned by others on the Internet) but she said that I would pay way more for the Bravelle. She suggested The Apothecary Shops in order to get comparable prices. So I am going to give The Apothecary Shops a try.

Another problem

2009-06-15T09:01:00.000-07:00

I seriously am going to be shocked to death if this IVF does work. So far it has been a comedy of errors, one after another after another. This time my beef lies with Village Fertility Pharmacy. Boo hiss hiss.

On Monday of last week they promised me my meds on Friday by 9:00 pm.

On Tuesday of last week they promised me my meds on Friday by 9:00 pm.

What do you think happened on Friday by 9:00 pm? 100 Bonus points if you guessed no med delivery.

When I got home from work I spotted a FedEx box in my carport. I thought "oh goody, my meds are here!" But instead it turned out to be a package for my husband. It was 6:00 pm and I got nervous, so I called them. I knew that they still had 3 hours before the deadline but the little hairs on the back of my neck were telling me that something was wrong. Sure enough, after an impossibly long hold time, it was confirmed that there was a problem and my meds would not be there as promised (twice!) by Friday at 9:00 pm.

The lady on the phone was super nice. But nice doesn't bring meds to my doorstep. She made me mad at one point by trying to play dr and asking me for the first day of my period so she could help me figure out when I needed to take it. I refused to give her that information. I told her that I had a dr, I didn't need another one and that I needed them to deliver when they said that they were going to deliver and to leave the when I am supposed to take the meds up to me and my dr. At one point she hung up on me, but I sincerely believe that was just human error or else I would be making more of a fuss about that.

They did manage to get me the Lupron on Saturday by noon. . .as in 11:59 am my dog starts barking to let me know that UPS is at my doorstep. But I am pretty sure that will be the last thing they will be delivering to my house. Time to start researching a new pharmacy. Any suggestions?

I called IVF nurse CIQ and left her a voice mail message about the meds situation. I also called the Administrative Director, Ms. Smiles A Lot, and spoke with her not only about the situation with the pharmacy but also that dumb ass bitch (I guess I should come up with a better name for her) couldn't get the right amounts when she called and asked me to pay my bill last Thursday. Ms. Smiles A Lot was very nice, even remembered me from when we spoke after my IVF class. She promised to talk to IVF nurse CIQ and dumb ass bitch and get back to me this morning. And she did. Excuses, excuses from dumb ass bitch but at least she got called on the carpet for her inaccuracies. Ms Smiles A Lot talked to IVF nurse CIQ and she said that that had never happened with Village Fertility Pharmacy, but that IVF nurse CIQ was going to call them and find out what the problem was and she was going to call me back after she talked to them.

I told my BFF my stories of woe on Sunday over lunch and how I seriously couldn't trust anyone to do their job correctly, the first time. She told me not to worry, that the smart people weren't the ones scheduling appointments, taking the money, and mailing the meds. The smart people were behind the scenes. I hope and pray that she is correct and that it not just another idiot behind the curtain pulling on the ropes.

Sarah's Laughter

2009-06-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

For some reason I have neglected to mention something that has been bringing me a lot of comfort and counsel during this whole experience, its the Daily Double Portions from the Sarah's Laughter Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss group. I found the group via reading a post where it was mentioned on someone else's blog (sorry, don't remember whose blog to cite). The Daily Double Portions are daily emails that contain a short religious devotional/food for thought. Just head over to the website http://www.sarahs-laughter.com/ and click on Daily Double Portions and sign up if you are interested. It's free!

Ying and yang

2009-06-12T06:09:00.000-07:00

Birth control pills and my stomach are NOT friends. Walking around thinking you could barf at any second is not a pleasant feeling. I went to the acupuncturist on Wednesday and told him my story of woe. The session was targeted for my nausea. Later that evening my stomach rolled worse than the previous 10 days but I have had no nausea since then. Did the acupuncture "cure" my nausea? Or perhaps it was one of the other 10 thousand things I tried to get my stomach to settle down? I don't know but since I am paying 70 bucks a session for the needles, I would like to believe the acupuncture did it. Whatever. It has passed and I am thankful.

The acupuncturist (I've gotta come up with a name for him. . . hum, how about Mr. Green?) made the comment that since I was having such a difficult time with the birth control there was hope that the other IVF drugs would not have such negative side affects for me. I mulled over the comment while I was relaxing and when Mr. Green came back into the room I asked him to tell me more about it.

He used terms of Chinese Traditional Medicine mumbo jumbo about warm and cool blah, blah, blah. But the root of his comments were along the lines of. . . Some meds suppress/cool the body's natural processes and others stimulate/warm the body's natural processes. Balance in the center is best but usually everyone naturally leans to one side or the other. The negative symptoms are felt especially when the body is forced to the opposite side of the spectrum.

This led me to thinking back to my very first visit to the RE and my very first invasion by Wanda (vaginal ultrasound) for IF. That first ultrasound showed that both my right and left ovary were producing a single egg at the same time, naturally. Which leads me to assume that my body naturally is a stimulator/warm. The birth control is an artificial suppressor/cool. Hence why I am experiencing such horrible side affects??? Lupron is also an artificial suppressor/cool, so I am looking forward to more fun times when those shots begin next week. But if the theory holds true, my body is going to love the FSH drugs, which are an artificial stimulator/warm.

Maybe it is the emotional effects of birth control (oh yes! I am feeling those too.) that is making me think so deeply about this or be influenced by Mr. Green's statements but I wanted to record the thoughts so that I can look back later and compare the theory with the actual outcome.

The cost of IVF (part II)

2009-06-11T11:16:00.000-07:00

About a month ago I wrote a post that contained the detailed estimated cost of our upcoming IVF. Rather than reinventing the wheel, I am just going to link to it here http://butamoment-breath.blogspot.com/2009/05/cost-of-ivf.html and summarize by saying that I had calculated the bottom line at $13,611.00 for everything, including drugs, ICSI, storage, and a 5 day transfer but excluding assisted hatching.

With the recent cost estimate from the pharmacy and the clinic's financial manager calling this morning requesting the actual payment this afternoon (don't get me started about how she got the amounts wrong the first time we spoke and I had to call her back and ask her to correct her numbers---GRRR!), I thought I should update my blog with a new estimate. I now estimate the cost of this IVF at $12,272.98.

Starting with my previous estimate, here is how I got my new number. . . .

Previously estimated cost of IVF 13,611.00
Previously estimated pharmacy cost (3,500)
Currently estimated pharmacy cost 2,311.98
Insemination of oocytes (included in the cost of ICSI) (150.00)

I lied

2009-06-10T08:42:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I lied. And just like Pinocchio, my nose is growing.

Old friend from high school, A, and I were talking on the phone the other day and she asked me how baby making was going. Out came my fib of "everything is on hold for a while." I had told her previously (oh why did I do that?) about some of our early struggles. A did 2 rounds of Clomid 8 years ago to conceive her child and she thinks she is an expert on infertility. I admit I probably wasn't the best support for her when she was going through her struggle with infertility. But now I feel like I am out of her league. I am playing in the majors and I don't want to discuss and have critiqued my batting stance with someone from the minors.

A is strangely interested in everything medical. I don't want to talk about my drug routines and here back how difficult Clomid was for her.

A is deeply (and a bit oddly) religious. I don't want to talk about ICSI and hear her take on playing God.

A is a bit of gossip. She knows everyone and from what I can tell about what she tells me about everyone else, she spills the beans on every one's business. Usually she omits names but tells enough details that I can put the puzzle together. Even though she lives 300 miles away, I don't want everyone that I went to high school with to know that we are doing IVF.

Don't get me wrong, A is a wonderfully nice and caring person. She could probably offer insight that I hadn't thought of. She could counsel me with a tender spirit. I could easily ask her to not tell anyone (though I could only be about 80% sure that she wouldn't) The evilness lies inside me. I don't want to take the time to teach her about the drugs that I am going to be taking. I don't want to open myself up. I don't want to have to tell her that if it doesn't work.

A little disappointed

2009-06-10T06:07:00.000-07:00

The pharmacy called back yesterday. Surprise, surprise none of my drugs are covered by insurance. I am now (and pretty much have been since IVF came onto our radar screen) one of the rare (??) Americans paying for health care out of pocket--the dreaded self payer--even though I have what is considered good health insurance coverage. This blog really isn't about me making a political statement, but I will go so far as to say, this sucks!

Now that I am apart of this new/old class of citizenry, the pharmacy was able to give me a quote on my drugs. Drum roll please. . .$2,311.98 for all the injectables. Not too bad considering that I was expecting closer to the 3k-3.5k range based on the estimate from the clinic. Since I am a self payer, Village offered to enroll me in DesignRX to help reduce the cost of the Lupron. The 14 day kit is normally $300ish but with DesignRX, my cost is $125. The Village is also enrolling me in the Ferring HEART Program to reduce the cost of the Bravelle. The HEART Program requires a $10 annual membership fee but saves $18 on every vial of Bravelle. I still have some Internet researching to do on these two programs, but so far they seem like a good way to go. Anybody have any experiance with them?

Also as a self payer I have options of how much and when I want the drugs sent to me. No pharmacy in the US is allowed to refund or exchange drugs, even if they are unused and unopened. So with the nightmare of cancelled cycles or other changes in plans, I didn't want to have hundreds of dollars worth of drugs on my hands that I would then have to push on the Internet or a seedy street corner in order to recoup my money. With hubby's input, I am ordering the drugs one at a time, as needed. The Lupron will be here on Friday by 9:00 pm.

I am a little disappointed to not have a photo of all the drugs and syringes in a neat little pile to post on this blog but some how I will live with the disappointment. Village Pharmacy says that they need at least 4 days lead time to get me what I need, so I am going to have to become aware and diligent with a new drug is supposed to become apart of my regiment. I have already jotted on my calendar that I need to call them back on 6/22 to order the Bravelle that I will need to start taking on 6/27. Geez, I hope that ordering them one at a time isn't a mistake.

Phone calls and information

2009-06-09T07:01:00.000-07:00

I called the clinic with my start day yesterday. The IVF nurse emailed me my personal IVF schedule. It had been so hyped up, I was expecting a fount of knowledge. Instead it was just a single piece of paper with 9 dates filled in. . .

Your menses began on 6/1
Begin birth control pills on 6/3
You and your husband will begin a Z-pak by 6/8
Begin 10 units of Lupron every morning on 6/17
Last birth control pill on 6/22
Schedule "suppression check" for 6/25 or 6/26
Begin FSH on ~6/27
Estradiol level and ultrasound on ~7/1 & 7/3
Your egg retrieval will be the week of 7/6

We had received an example calender in a packet way back in January when IVF was first prescribed to us, so almost none of the above is a big shocker. I have been mulling over the "your egg retrieval will be the week of 7/6" one. Hubby's schedule is very very difficult. He has to bid for July by June 15th. I wonder if "your egg retrieval will be the week of 7/6" will change due to our IVF nurse getting married on 6/30 and going on honeymoon or due to the 4th of July holiday. Oh well, no use to worry. Hubby is prepared to just call in sick, if need be.

IVF nurse CIQ also told me that she was calling my drugs into Village Fertility Pharmacy. I didn't really have much say in the pharmacy choice. I am sure that I could have researched it and pushed for one over another but I didn't, so I just went with the flow.

The pharmacy left a voice mail message while I was working. I called them back on my drive home. Almost rear ended a bus trying to read the numbers off my insurance card to them! Finally just gave up and pulled over. Supposedly some drugs, like lupron and progesterone injections, have other uses than for fertility and in some cases insurance might pay for them. My fingers are crossed but my breath is not held. The lady on the phone couldn't give me a price estimate until they ran it through my insurance, but she gladly took my credit card and told me they would bill it for any uncovered cost. The drugs are supposed to be here no later than 9 pm on Friday. (I have a hand written list of what they are sending but I my spelling is horrible, so I think I will wait until the package arrives to detail the list.)

Day 1

2009-06-08T07:24:00.000-07:00

Day 1 (June 1st) actually started while hubby and I were on an Alaskan cruise. Started birth control on Day 3. The stinking birth control is giving me a queasy stomach. But it is also clearing up my face. Sigh. Today, Day 8, hubby and I both are starting antibiotics.
Gotta call the clinic with my cycle day 1 date today.

Almost forgot to mention that the 10k loan was deposited into our account.

What to do with the popsicles?

2009-05-28T07:36:00.000-07:00

As part of our IVF class yesterday morning, we had to complete some paperwork about what we wanted to do with any extra embryos. We are hoping for enough embryos to freeze. The clinic claims that approximately 50% of IVF couples do have enough to freeze. But that everyone should think of popsicles as a bonus. They aren't guaranteed and the bar is set pretty high for them. The best of the best are transferred. Any potential popsicles also have to be best of the best before they will freeze them. What are the odds of having more than 2 superstars in a class?

What to do with the frozen embryos if I die? What to do with the frozen embryos if hubby dies? Who do the embryos belong to if we divorce? The answers. . .he gets them if I die. I get them if he dies. The hardest question was the divorce question. I wanted them. My reasoning was hubby could go dip his wick in someone else's ink and make babies all on his own without science. I, on the other hand, would have to go through expensive medical procedures to ever have children. Hubby couldn't believe that I would want his children if we divorced. Maybe after a horrible divorce, I wouldn't. But right now I love him and couldn't actually imagine giving away a chance to have children of my own. He finally agreed and signed that I would have control of the frozen embryos if we ever divorced.

It is the first and only thing that we have ever had to make arrangements for in case of divorce. It was very strange. Divorce doesn't really enter into our vocabulary. And to make arrangements for life after divorce just feels like a jinx to our relationship.

To the bank, to the bank, to the bank

2009-05-28T06:13:00.000-07:00

Remember when I said that hubby wasn't comfortable with the whole credit card arrangement? A few days ago he went to the bank and started a discussion with a loan officer. Yesterday we went back to the bank and firmed up some more of the details. We are doing a signature loan for 10k. It isn't the most attractive terms--11.25%!!-- but it makes hubby more comfortable to be in hock to the bank rather than a credit card company. The loan that is in the works is for a term of 60 months. We had to have a credit score above 710. We do! The monthly payment is about $220 but we plan on paying this off in a year, so we will be adding an additional $600 as a principal payment each month which will put the pay off around July 2010. We go on Friday to sign the paperwork and pick up the money.

Of all the shots, doubts, and worries that IF has brought into our life. I hate this loan the most. I hate that we don't have the money. And I hate that I can't be reasonable about waiting until we do have the money before we do IVF (though hubby has never asked me to wait). I think that this loan represents how far I am willing to go even to just have a chance at getting pregnant.

About 8 years ago when hubby and I got married, I encouraged him to go back to school. It wasn't just a step in a different direction, it was a leap off a cliff. We packed up an moved about 300 miles away. It was a three year commitment. His education was sooooo expensive. He didn't work, just went to school. After he graduated, he spent 2 more years getting his foot in the door--making almost nothing. I was the only one working a *real* job. I would love to say that I took it all in stride, but I didn't. I was too young and didn't handle the sacrifice nobly. I bitched, complained, and cried the whole 5 years. But some how we got through and hubby was launched successfully in a new life. Often during my temper tantrums in the 5 years, hubby would say that he would make it up to me some day. At the time he talked about me quiting my job and staying at home. But I have never wanted to be jobless. Maybe hubby's support during this whole IF process is his way of "paying me back". He, too, isn't always the most noble and doing everything right. But he is here, making it possible, making a way, and making the best of a horrible situation.

All holy IVF class

2009-05-28T05:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning was the much anticipated IVF class. After a meltdown in the parking garage about finding a parking space, hubby and I joined 3 other couples and one of the clinics IVF nurses in the clinic's conference room. There were snacks on the table, a fridge full of drinks (nothing alcoholic--too bad) and a goodie bag full of syringes at each person's seat. All those sharps! I knew a good time was going to be had by all. Wink, wink.

We watched the IVF nurse demonstrate how to inject Bravelle, Gonal F, and Follistim. We were given a sheet of paper and told to circle our preference. It was explained to us that all three were just as effective. Gonal F and Follistim, just alike with their snazzy convenient pens, were the Coke and Pepis of follicle stimulating hormones. Bravelle on the other hand was the RC Cola of FSH with it's typical syringes and mixing of vials. But just like RC is cheaper than Coke or Pepsi, Bravella is cheaper than Gonal F and Follistim. (The pamphlet that we received showed Gonal F and Follistim clocking in at around $66 per 75 unit and Bravella at $44 per 75 unit.) Being the savvy coupon clipper that I am, I chose Bravella.

We watched a slide show presentation of the entire IVF process. A lady from the lab came in and talked to us about Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis, which we are not doing just in case anyone is keeping score. We were taken individually to consultation rooms to talk with our IVF nurse and financial counselor. I had already met our IVF nurse--Nurse Competency in Question--from our run in a couple of weeks ago. But we all played nice for this round. The meeting with the financial counselor was a joke. She basically said here is your bill, pay it. But she claimed that we were a small percent of the lucky ones--that our insurance was paying for some (around $2,500) and most people didn't have insurance that would even pay for that. As an extra little bonus, I also met with the Administrative Director, Ms. Smiles A Lot, and told my past tales of woe about unreturned phone calls and the murkiness of provided paperwork.

The class was pretty much as advertised. (Also as advertised was $216 price tag for the morning of fun.) I now feel like a new recruit who has just been told the secret handshake. I am apart of the club!!

A visit to the parents

2009-05-26T06:42:00.000-07:00

I managed to get out going to see my parents for Mother's Day because "the weekend is just too short to drive all that way" but I couldn't escape a make up visit over the long Memorial Day weekend. So after I scrapped myself off the floor at midnight on Friday after a party with some of the girls, I managed to get up early on Saturday and drive myself 4 hours to my mom and dad's house.

Oh what fun it was! (Not really.) I love my family but they just don't get how complex and toll taking infertility is. A couple of examples to demonstrate. . .

Example 1: Mom's apart of a club that is preparing for a big yard sale next weekend. One of her friends called to tell mom that she had some baby stuff that she used at her house when her grandchildren came to visit. The friend went on about how she loaned it out to all of her friends and everyone just thought it was great. Did Mom want her to put the stuff in the yard sale or did she want her to hang on to it to loan/give it to Mom when her grandchildren came to visit? I was mentally voting to put the crap in the yard sale. But my Mom told her friend, "just hang on to it. I will probably be needing that pretty soon." Thanks Mom. No pressure, right?

Example 2: Conversation with my grandmother. . .
GM: Did you get a chance to visit with your high school best friend?
Me: No, I think she is at the lake this weekend. I couldn't get a hold of her.
GM: What did she name her baby?
Me: Hum, her daughter is going into first grade next year. She is not really a baby anymore.
GM: That is right, she had her children a while ago. But what is her daughter's name?
Me starting to grit my teeth: Shyanne is her name.
GM: That is an odd name. (Pauses for a min.) What are you going to name your children?
Me: C & A.
GM: C & A? But those are your dogs names! You can't name your children after your dogs!
Me: No GM, my dogs are my children.
GM: Well dogs aren't children. Have some babies and you will know that. When are you going to have some babies?
Me: grinding my teeth, trying to smile mysteriously.
GM: Well, I guess it is just a matter of time.

Seriously it was all I could do not to jump on her couch T.om Cr.uise style, yelling about blocked Fallopian tubes, the cost of IVF and medical science.

I believe that I shattered a few teeth keeping my mouth closed during the long weekend. Sigh.

On pins and needles

2009-05-23T07:42:00.000-07:00

I have to tell you that my first visit to acupuncturist was everything that I thought it was going to be and nothing that I thought it was going to be. Yes, it was awkward. . . at first. Nope, it didn't hurt, though I was jumpy. I don't really know anything about Chinese Traditional Medicine, nor did I really want to learn a lot about my Chi. I was scared that I was going to get a bunch of mumbo jumbo about "releasing my inter spirit" or whatever. It didn't happen. I was pleased.

The guy made some comments that won my mind over to him and this process. He said that there wasn't anything that he could do about my blocked tubes. No hard sale on something I am positive is totally broken. He did say that he could increase the blood flow to the uterus. But that the drugs that I was about to take was going to control the entire process more than anything he could do. He said that it would take months/years to increase egg quality with acupuncture and herbs . The comment that he most impressed me with was that acupuncture can be used to relieve some of the side effects of the drugs that I am about to take. I hadn't thought about that but it made sense in my mind.

It made even more sense after my first session. After the initial awkwardness and a few giggles at the mental picture of myself laying on the table with about 30 needles from my neck to mid calves, I really began to relax. It was right up there with dental gas for me. I think I fell asleep at the end. My hands got cold. I wish that I had been brave enough to ring the bell and ask for cover. For anyone wondering (I know I was before I went), I removed all my clothes except bra and underwear, put on a paper gown, face down on a massage table, with a towel over my bum. The heat lamp on my feet was especially nice. Lights down low. Flute music playing in the background--yeah, I giggled over that too.

The first session included a long question and answer period. He looked at my tongue and felt my pulse. A trainee was with him, but he asked permission before inviting her into the room. The first visit for fertility cost $130 and lasted an hour. I have 3 more sessions scheduled over the next couple of weeks (at my request, no hard sale from him). The follow up visits are a bit cheaper at $70 each.

I was lethargic and slow moving when I left. The dreamy state continued through out the evening---though that might have had something to do with the chocolate martinis that I was drinking at a party later than evening, rather than the acupuncture. ;-) I am really looking forward to going back.

More family

2009-05-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

My BIL came for a visit yesterday. He came a long way for a very specific purpose. He stayed just for the day, in at noon and out on the 8:00 pm flight. I used to be not such a great fan of BIL and his playboy ways. But he as grown up a lot in the 12 years or so that hubby and I have been together. So I am going to cut him some slack and tell you that he is turning into a person I don't mind being around. Which makes things easier for everyone because hubby and BIL are pretty good friends besides being just brothers. (Hubby and BIL are in the same line of work. The way BIL used to act at work always made me worry about Hubby's behavior when he was out of my sight--which is A LOT. Their work is very unusual and a type of "secret language" between them. Yes, I get jealous when they talk business and exclude me so much. )

At Christmas BIL was working but sent me a Victoria Secret gift certificate. He knew that we were trying to get pregnant and thought he would (jokingly) contribute to the cause. My MIL later informed him about our "ain't never going to happen" situation and he was embarrassed and worried that he had hurt my feelings. He didn't but his concern that he might have won him a soft place in my heart. Maybe I will use the gift certificate to purchase something special for transfer day. Oh la la la.

Rolling along

2009-05-20T08:53:00.000-07:00

So far everything is right on track. Hubby got his all clear, cootie free phone call on Monday. I have my very first appointment with an acupuncturist on Friday. Both excited and nervous about that. (Would love to hear feedback from people that did acupuncture and IVF!!!) Next Wednesday is the all holy IVF class, which is supposed to answer every question I have and have been put off and told to wait until class time from my fertility clinic.

Hubby and I are starting to dig deep on how we are going to pay for this IVF. We have about 7k in the bank. We could easily give all that to the clinic and then just charge the meds on a credit card. I am a little nervous about clearing out our account and having no emergency fund if something (probably not fertility related) comes up. So hubby is supposed to be going to the bank in the next couple of days to see if we might be able to swing a signature loan or something similar. We would like to leave 2k-3k in the bank just in case the roof caves in, the wheels fall off the car, or either one of us loses our jobs.

Chalk something else ugly that infertility has brought into our lives. . .debt. Yes we have a house mortgage. But we have never been a victim of debt. Never bought a car on credit. Didn't do student loans for neither my undergrad or master's nor hubby's VERY EXPENSIVE undergrad and job training. Our credit cards have zero balances. I grew up with parents who have very old fashion ideas about finances and a lot of that rubbed off on me. So chalk some "compromising on principles" up to infertility as well.

During the discussion of "how we were going to pay for IVF?" I told/begged hubby that I would be willing to do anything that he wanted in order to pay for it (credit cards, home equity line, signature loan, ect) as long as he didn't say "lets wait." I know in my gut that waiting until we have the cash would be the smart thing to do. But I am feeling too desperate to be very smart.

My credit card has so generously (said the spider to the fly) offered to send us a check (or direct deposit) for 9k. No interest, no required payments until June 2010. Only a 3% fee would apply. If worst comes to worst, we will do this and pay off the balance before June 2010 (or else they would hit us for some MONSTER finance charges.) This option is not tops on our list, but did I mention that I feel desperate???

The cost of IVF

2009-05-15T06:30:00.000-07:00

We don't know each other. We are never going to know each other. I like communities and I like to connect with other people. But my blog is really just a way for me to record the details and my thoughts and feelings on this journey that I am on. My fondest hope is to one day look back on this blog as a closed chapter in my life. I strive to beat infertility--one way or the other. I know it is changing me, my relationships, and how I view the world. But I refuse to let my life become only about my infertility.

So with my anonymity I am going to detail the cost of my upcoming IVF. Of course you don't know my clinic or what part of the United States that I live in but in exchange for that anonymity you get to know the nitty gritty breakdown of this whole process. I know that I would have loved to have found a breakdown like this when I was Googling like a mad women for information.

Before we get to the numbers, I should tell you I have Cigna HMO insurance. They won't pay for IVF but they will pay for some of the incidentals of testing and office visits. I am going to mark with a * what we have been told our insurance will cover. Everything else is coming out of our own pocket. This information is coming off an estimate sheet provided specifically for me from my clinic.

Chart review 116.00
Education 100.00
*Comprehensive Exam 230.00
*Complete ultrasound 309.00
*Office visits (3 @ 230 each) 690.00
*Trial embryo transfer 60.00
*Ultrasounds (4 @ 170 each) 680.00
*Venipunctures (4 @ 15 each) 60.00
*Estadiols (4 @ 80 each) 320.00
*Progesterone level 90.00

Now for the actual retrieval & transfer (none of this is covered by insurance). . .

Egg retrieval 1,030.00
Ultrasound guidance 300.00
Embryo transfer 325.00
Ultrasound guidance 175.00

The lab cost (also not covered by insurance). This is listed under optional services, so I am not sure exactly which of these I will be using for my IVF.

Insemination of oocytes 150.00
Oocyte identification from follicular fluid 375.00
Sperm isolation 275.00
Culture of oocytes day 1-3 1000.00
Extended culture of oocytes days 4-7 425.00
Preparation of embryo for transfer 250.00

Assisted hatching 670.00
ICSI 2,000.00
Cyropreservation of embryos 550.00
Embryo storage per year 450.00

The actual retrieval and transfer will take place at a surgery center separate from my fertility clinic. (It is the same expensive, high tech place that I had my 2nd HSG done at.)

Facility and anesthesia at surgery center 2,590.00

And last but not least, the unknown of cost of medication. Only an estimate. . .

Medications through pharmacy 3,500.00

All of the above procedures have different CPT codes associated with them, so I didn't accidentally double state anything like ultrasounds. They are all listed with seperatly and with different cost.

All said and done, I think I am looking at $13,611.00 (the small difference between this number and adding everything straight up is co pay amounts for the office visits.) out of pocket for the total IVF, including medications, all the "optional" lab services (assuming I have a 5 day transfer), with ICSI but without assisted hatching, and assuming I have embryos to freeze.

That's my brother!

2009-05-15T05:56:00.000-07:00

I told my brother about my upcoming IVF last night. I don't really know why. Hubby and I had a really good discussion before, so maybe it is with those good feelings that I felt the need to also share the information with my brother.

D is less than a year older than me. We are friendly with each other and always enjoy each other's company but we are not particularly close. Maybe that stems from differences growing up, there is such a thing as being too close in age IMO. Maybe it is the differences in sex. Who knows? I didn't just call up and tell him the news. We spent a good 20 mins talking about our day and our lives. He is a doctoral student. He just finished all the classes he needs. He is looking forward a couple of weeks off before he starts the process of writing his dissertation. He had plans to go to an Indigo Girls' concert after we got off the phone.

I felt the mood was right. Mentally I was in a good place to talk about everything that has happened and is going to happen. He asked some basic questions about the procedure. He listened to me talk about the test that have already been done and the chances of the IVF working and not working. All that was a very clinical discussion. We talked about how much my parents knew/approved. I told him that mom knew and was coming around on her approval. I told him dad didn't know because I didn't think he would understand and I wasn't sure if he would approve. D disagreed and said I should tell dad, thought he would understand, and would approve. I told D that he had lived too long outside of our state and forgotten how closed minded people can be. We didn't agree on dad but we did agree that the culture where I live is very different than the culture where he lives. His open mindness was very welcomed. I was pleased to have his support. It felt good to tell him.

He did say some of the dumb things that people are known to say. Jokingly asked me if I was going to be octamom. Asked me why we didn't just adopt. But I am not going to hold those comments against him. The good far out weighed the bad. He said that there was no shame in IVF (or adoption). He said that people that were closed minded were ridiculous. He said that we needed to do whatever we needed to do for how long ever we needed to do it until we felt comfortable with the results. He asked if there was anything that he and my sister in law could do to help.

Infertility doesn't have a lot of positives to it. It is hard to look on the bright side and count your blessing when it comes to the things that infertility brings into your life. But maybe, maybe, maybe a closer relationship with my brother will be one of those few good things infertility brings into my life.

A box of raisins

2009-05-13T07:48:00.000-07:00

Just in case anyone was wondering, you can't eat a box of raisins and change your ASAB test results. I know because I asked Nurse CIQ this morning. You know how somethings blood related you can change with diet or medicine? But somethings you can't. Just like your blood type, you are born with how much ASAB you've got.

I called BFF on the way home from work yesterday and told her what Nurse CIQ had said over the phone about my 14% positive on the ASAB test. One of her first questions was "is it something you can change by eating a box of raisins or something?" I rolled in the floor laughing. But it was a good question and got me thinking (and Googling).

I also posted the question on Taking Charge of Your Fertility's board. 20 hits later and not a single response. Which seems to be the case with most all the questions that I ask there. I really think that most of those that actively read and post over there 1) don't know that much about ART, 2) aren't as active in their care as I am, or 3) are a bunch of idiots. Whatever, take your pick. I think I am going to find somewhere else to ask my questions at. Any suggestions?

Bag o' sperm

2009-05-13T07:19:00.000-07:00

I told hubby what was going on with the clinic when he got home last night. He was much more understanding than I ever expected. Yes he thinks the clinic is made up of a bunch of fools. But at least he didn't say it in a way that implied a lack of confidence in my decision making abilities. In fact he sat down with me and went over the paper work with me, we got on the Internet and looked at the clinic's numbers compared to other clinics, and we had a good discussion on the ethics of infertility treatments. The situation with him was quite positive and relationship building.

I showed up at the fertility clinic this morning with a bag o' sperm even though I had no appointment to do so. The information from the phone call at 4:11 pm yesterday and the information provided by the paper work was just too confusing. Of course there were no orders for test for the sperm. I put the front desk in quite the tail spin. They said I had to wait for the IVF nurse and orders before they could accept the sperm. She (let's call her Nurse Competency in Question) was the same one that I spoke with on the phone yesterday and wouldn't be in until 8:30. So I asked to speak with the Practice Manager while I waited.

Finally practice manager Grandma Betty appeared and took me back to a conference room. Grandma Betty is retiring tomorrow, so I had lots of hope that my comments and concerns were not falling on deaf ears. YEAH RIGHT! But she was all I had, so I started to spill my story. IVF Nurse Competency in Question showed up in the middle of the conversation and we had quite the round table discussion. I showed them the paperwork that said 20% was considered positive for the ASAB test. Nurse CIQ (Competency in Question is just too long a name to keep typing over and over) made a comment along the lines of "I didn't know you were reading paperwork" to which I replied "what am I supposed to do with paperwork, if not read it?" She back peddled on where ever she was going with that. Apparently, bottom line, a ASAB positive of 10% is the cut off for a female and the 20% referred to in the paperwork is the cutoff for a ASAB positive for a male. Though no where in the paper work did it differentiate between male and female. Grandma Betty and Nurse CIQ both took my paperwork and declared it unclear and needed to be changed and that they could see where my confusion was coming from.

Nurse CIQ made very clear that 10% was the cut off for the female and that we were not just strongly encouraged but required to use ICSI. They both tried to talk me into freezing the sperm. Grandma Betty was quoting me a price of $250-$375 for that. But when I took out pen and paper and asked her to repeat the quote so I could write it down, Nurse CIQ stepped in and said that the cost was actually around $620. Grrrr. Elected to not freeze the sperm. Grandma Betty also made some kinda of comment along the lines of "your 14% ASAB is probably what is keeping you from getting pregnant." I agreed and added that also probably my two blocked Fallopian tubes also had something to do with it, too. She back off those patronizing comments after that.

I made very clear that the stupid mistakes that they were making were causing me to lose confidence in the clinic's abilities. I made very clear and practically begged them to make sure it was vi sable and obvious to everyone that opened our file that hubby was on the road with work and that scheduling is more than difficult for us. I made very clear that we were doing the IVF in June and could everyone please stop acting so surprised that we are actually showing up and moving ahead with that plan. All and all I think it was a very productive meeting. My hope is that it has cleared the way for better and more open communication for the future. Fingers crossed.

Stupid, stupid clinic!!!

2009-05-12T17:17:00.000-07:00

I am so confused and frustrated right now.

The office staff at my fertility clinic is driving me nuts. They called an left a message this afternoon wanting to talk to me about my blood work and my husband's test in the morning. I was confused. Didn't I already receive a report about the blood work and didn't we already work through my husband's scheduling problems? I called them back and left a message. They called me back and left another message. (I was working with my boss and couldn't answer the phone.) I called them back at 4:11 and finally got to talk to someone.

It seems that my Antisperm-Antibody Test (ASAB) came back at 14%. (ASAB was the test that I was warned the results would be later than the rest of the blood work.) The lady on the phone said that any results over 10% we needed to do ICSI with IVF and that my husband's SPA scheduled for 8:00 am the next morning wasn't necessary. Thinking about the cost of ICSI (around $2,000) I asked her if the clinic was going to make me use ICSI. She grunted around and said that they "strongly, strongly recommended" the ICSI with the anything over 10% positive ASAB. Mostly because of the extra cost but also because of the ethics of ICSI, I drove home super frustrated.

When I got home I re read through the paperwork that the clinic sent me when IVF was first recommended to us. The paperwork says that ICSI should be used when the ASAB test is 20% or more positive. By implying that I had to use ICSI and canceling my husband's SPA test in the morning, the lady on the phone took away my choice to talk this gray area decision over with my dr.

Hubby's work schedule is a bitch. The clinic only does the SPA's on Wednesday, as I learned previously. Not to mention hubby is already irate with the clinic over the scheduling of the test in the first place. I am soooo pissed. I think I am going to just show up in the morning at 7:45 am with hubby's sperm, make them do the test as scheduled (surely they haven't scheduled someone else in the remaining 19 mins the clinic was open after I canceled hubby's appointment), and then speak to the office manager about the incompetence of the office staff, again (I have previously spoken to the office manager on the phone when the HSG test results were not relayed timely).

I so wish that I hadn't told hubby that the test was canceled. I feel so alone doing this. Hubby was more interested/frustrated with his sailboat when I called to tell him the ASAP test results and that his appointment was canceled. He is going to bitch to me when I tell him what I have discovered since then. He is going to tell me that the people working at the clinic are a bunch of fools and he is going to ask me how we can trust them to do this IVF correctly. I seriouly don't know. I am losing faith with each encounter.

Stupid clinic

2009-05-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

The clinic called back and said they incorrectly scheduled hubby's test tomorrow. He not only needs to do a SA but also a SPA (as well as blood work). And they only do SPA's on Wednesday's. Grrrr! I was pretty upset about this stupid scheduling mistake. He was much more so. He asked me "if they get things like this wrong, how can we trust them to get other things right?" He is correct. If they can't schedule a stupid appointment based on their own damn checklist, how do we know that they will be able to stim, retrieve, grow, and transfer without f***ing things up? The answer is, we don't know. All we can do is look at their numbers and see that they have done enough things right in the past to have had some pretty good results. Too bad past performance doesn't guarantee future results.

I am so scared that we are going to get to the end of this and fail miserably. And then my hubby is going to turn to me and say "I could have told you so." He has done this before, once and only once--not related to infertility, but it was such a sever pain I still remember the hurt. He apologized then and even again today for that past pain but once burnt, twice shy. I hate that IF brings our weaknesses to the forefront. I truly believe that not all relationships are strong enough to withstand IF. I am just hoping that ours is.

Cootie free. . .so far

2009-05-11T09:25:00.000-07:00

Got a call from Dr. Cupcake's office this morning. All the bloodwork came back within normal range. I didn't know anything specific to ask so I just said thank you and hung up the phone.

Mother's Day requires therapy

2009-05-11T08:52:00.000-07:00

I had almost forgot that Sunday was Mother's Day. I sent my mom a card earlier in the week. I had reminded hubby to do the same. My duty was done.

I wish that I had remembered the holiday before I went to church on Sunday. I could have skipped like I did on Easter (all those families, toddlers in frilly dress, and babies in arms. . .no way). Sure enough the sermon was on Honouring Mothers. The preacher started with a looooooong list of the things mother's do. Out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of a mom holding a baby and his toddler brother slumped beside her, asleep. On her other side was well dressed hubby. I started crying. She was the person I wanted to be. But instead I sat alone on an empty pew. (Hubby was on the road working.)

I did the pretend reading of the Bible and covering my eyes at the same time. I wanted to escape but it would have been too awkward. I found a stray Kleenex in my purse and told myself to get it together. The list just seemed to go on forever. But it finally stopped. And the happy mom even stepped out of my line of sight when she left the auditorium with baby. Small blessings.

The final insult to injury. . . I called my mom after church with the mindset of focusing on my mom rather than on me not being a mom. She thanked me for the flowers. Uh, I didn't send any flowers. Oh that is right, my brother sent her flowers. The phone conversation also quickly became something else to escape from.

Thank goodness, K-Mart had a nice shoe selection for some retail therapy.

Ae.on Fl.ux

2009-05-11T08:05:00.000-07:00

Saturday was a total veg day for me. I laid on the couch watching movie after movie on TV. Not necessarily good or new movies, just whatever I could find channel surfing. I watched The Decent (good!), Starship Troopers (ok), You've Got Mail (a classic favorite), and Ae.on Fl.ux (also good).

Have you ever seen Ae.on Fl.ux? It is kind of a low budget Ma.trix. Set in the future. The human race has almost been destroyed by a virus. Only a small population remains. They were lucky enough to receive the antibody against the virus and now live in a walled city utopia. But something is wrong in fairytale land. People have strange memories. And they keep mysteriously disappearing. The main character is a bondage wearing lady named Ae.on Fl.ux. She is a Mon.ican. Her group rebels against the council that governs the walled city utopia. The council is made up of scientist and led by her foe (sometime lover) Trevor Goodchild.

If you haven't seen it, you should stop reading now because I am about to spoil the rest of the story for you. . .

It turns out that antidote everyone was given to keep them safe from the virus has made them all infertile. Most of the scientist are working on a cure. In the meantime they just keep cloning everyone so that the human race will continue. Trevor has found the cure. A couple more twist & turns and a battle scene or two later we discover that he didn't really need to be searching for a cure so hard, nature is healing itself and people are becoming pregnant on their own.

I love Hollywood they make everything so neat and perfect. After 400 years or so of infertility the human races' desire to procreate is so strong that the body heals itself. According to Hollywood's calendar, I have a little more than 398 years to go with my burning desire to have a baby before my body will heal my blocked fallopian tubes on it's own. Personally I am glad I have a Trevor Goodchild (in my case Dr. Cupcake) helping the process along a little quicker.

New friends

2009-05-07T11:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I received my Fertility Socks in the mail from Emily at http://www.fertilitysocks.org/. I can't begin to tell you how pleased I was to open the package and find these cheery silly bird toe socks. I have already gone over and signed up to donate a pair myself. The joy they brought! And they arrived just in time for my pap smear appointment with ob/gyn Dr. Phonebook (the pap smear being required before IVF). Don't they look just grand?

Despite getting lost in Mega Hospital and having to wait just a tad bit longer than I should have, I actually liked Dr. Phonebook. And I wasn't expecting to. I went in with the attitude of "can we just get this over with?" But he shocked and impressed me when he wanted to talk to me before I was buck naked with my feet in the stirrups. Through out the interview and exam, he was raving about Dr. Cupcake and her group, how far the science of IVF has progressed, and telling me I was a great candidate for success.

My fertility dr also requires a BMI of less than 37 before beginning IVF. Dr. Phonebook's nurse was able to provide me with an official BMI number of 27. I'm 5 foot, 4 and a half inches tall. (I love the half inch. It lets me round up to 5'5".) And weight 164 pounds. Geez, this is the most I have ever weighed in my life! Eight months ago when I first went to the RE, I was holding steady at 150 pounds. . .and had been that weight the last 2 years or so. Thanks to Ferma, the lack of birth control pills (I LOVE birth control pills!), eating anything I want, practically no regular exercise, and the unwelcome 30th birthday. I am well on my way to being a train wreck.

I managed to snag a picture of the art in Dr. Phonebook's exam room, too. (I really like the blogs that keep a collection of photos of feet in stirrups and a running critique of the lame ass art on display.) It was a very typical general ob/gyn office with Parents magazines on the tables and the TV tuned to the Cartoon Network in the waiting room. The walk to the exam room required a trip through the drs' hall of fame, six full sized bulletin boards filled with baby pictures. Kudos to Dr. Phonebook. Torture for me. I refused to look on the way in and kept my eyes on the nurse's back as she lead the way. But after the meeting and exam, I felt so uplifted by Dr. Phonebook's parting farewells of "I'll see you back in a couple of months for your first prenatal check-up" I stopped to admire the photos of his success.

New material

2009-05-06T11:01:00.000-07:00

I vow to only talk about infertility here. That is correct, my vow for this blog and every single entry within it is to stay on the topic of infertility and not to stray off that path. No what we did over the weekend, no cute stories about our dogs, and no talk about work (though I did almost get the crap beat out of me this morning at work. The guy even had to be escorted out of the building by security.) That is correct, only infertility. And all the gooey details about that. I give myself permission to hide every detail that could be a clue about the real life me; my name, where I live, where I work, what I do, everything. Trust me, it is a fair exchange. If you are reading this blog, all you probably really care about is the infertility stuff anyway.

And just when I was starting to wonder if I was going to be able to maintain my vow to make this blog entirely about infertility, life keeps handing me material to work with.

Hubby and I had a nice cozy evening around the fire pit yesterday. I told him my fascinating theories about the Dumpling. He made the comment that I am hyper sensitive about all things fertility, pregnancy, and baby right now. That I see, notice, and feel the abundance of fertility around me so much more so now because I am struggling with infertility myself. I don't disagree but it sure does feel like the whole world is pregnant or talking about babies. Lunch today was a perfect example of I'm not fertility crazy, everyone else is.

I was craving chicken tenders from this little deli a couple of blocks down from my work. They make the best chicken tenders. Large sized, even thin breading, moist melt in your mouth chicken. The best chicken tenders EVER. The honey mustard sauce that comes with them is just as dreamy too. Add an order of sweet potato fries and you have got one to-die-for lunch.

So I made the hike down to the deli, dreaming of the chicken tenders the whole way. I get to the deli and up to the counter and place my order. I make casual conversation with the lady running the register. I tell her, as a compliment to the deli's culinary talents, that "I am just craving these chicken tenders. They are the best ever."

Can anybody guess what she said next?

Wait for it. . .

Wait for it. . .

You guessed it! "Are you pregnant?"

Through the instant battling emotions of pain due to my empty womb and the shock & horror that I look fat enough to be pregnant, I replied "No, but maybe I need to change my order to a salad." The lady quickly picked up on the second emotion warring inside me and explained that a lot of pregnant women crave the chicken tenders and come in for them through out their pregnancies and no I didn't look that fat. I just smiled and nodded.

My fat butt and aching heart stepped aside to wait for my order to come up. But really I was no longer hungry. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. With only my drink in hand, I decided to cut my losses and run out on the rest of my order. As I was making my break for the door, the lady called me back to give me my chicken tenders , hot off the grill. I walked around outside for a few minutes lecturing myself out of my funk, carrying my warm to the touch box of chicken tenders. I finally sat down at an outdoor table and ate my, then cooled, chicken tenders. They weren't quite as good as I remembered.

Veins like a junkie

2009-05-05T10:49:00.000-07:00

Okay so the title might be a bit misleading. I don't really know what a junkie's veins are like to be comparing mine to them. But nevertheless I gave up my primo parking space to leave work, go to the fertility clinic and have blood drawn as a prerequisite for IVF. (The very first time I have ever had blood drawn related to IF.) A lot of blood drawn--to put it in Starbucks terms; 3 shorts, and 5 ventis. It took two stabs, one in the left arm (I could have told you stabbing the left arm was just vindictive and would never produce any blood) and one in the right, to bring forth enough blood to fill the 3 small vials and 5 larger ones.

My work sheet says that will be doing an Obstetric Panel including things like RPR, Hepatitis B Surface AG, ABO/RH, and Rubella. And also testing for Hepatitis C Virus Antibody, HIV I & II, TSH, and ASAB. I don't know what even a 1/3 of those are without good ole Google to assist me. Dracula and I had a discussion about Cystic fibrosis screening. I declined due to both the cost ($580, not covered by insurance) and the very low odds that I am a carrier. I am just Evil Canevil like that. All total, today's charges come to $185 but they are going to file it with insurance to see if Papa Warbucks will pick up any of my tab. I will get a call in a couple of days (2 of the test, Antiboby and something else, are sent to an outside lab) to let me know if I have any cooties.

Hubby gets to met Dracula next Tuesday. The alphabet soup of things that they will be testing him for is much shorter. But he gets the added pleasure of also having to bring in a semen sample for analysis. Bring in being the key words as he found the last sample provided in office to be a totally uncomfortable experience. I sympathize with him. If the end result of all this depended on me having an orgasm in a dr's office, it might be 20 years or never before we had a baby. I am just not that voyeuristic.

Damn, my left arm is already showing signs of bruising. I wish that I had worn long sleeves today. Now I need to go think up a story to tell my co workers when they ask what happened to my arms. Perhaps "a 10 year old boy fell down a well and bumped his head and only my blood donation at Red Cross can save him." Yeah, that is totally believable. I think I will go with that.

History Repeats It's Self

2009-05-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

Out of town pal S came for a visit this weekend. And because she didn't travel hundreds of miles just to sit in my living room watching the Food Network, we worked up our courage and braved the bad weather to see some of the local sights; though a row boat might have been a better mode of transportation than my car. With umbrellas over heads we toured the grounds and home of one of our nation's early presidents.

S and I came across scale sized mannequins of the president and his wife in the estate's museum. Based on the foot difference in height between the two and the wife's curvy hips; we nicknamed the couple the General and the Dumpling. The General was no hero to history. In fact I was getting pretty embarrassed that he and I were such close neighbors as the informational film reveled just how many people he had made life more difficult for. But oh well, I suppose that sitting in my lofty seat almost 200 years later the right path is always easy to spot. Hindsight being 20/20 and all.

After the museum, we toured the house. The docent there told our happy little wet group that the General and the Dumpling had no children of their own, only an adopted son. Being the infertile little nerd that I am, I raised my hand and asked why the couple had no children (trust me when I say the General and the Dumpling did not live in the enlightened age of birth control and fashionably small families). The docent shrugged her shoulders and continued on with her spiel about the age of the curtains, floors, and doors. But she lost me after that shoulder shrug.

Some people claim to have gaydar, I have a finely tuned infertility radar. I just knew that the Dumpling must have had days, months, and years of tears and wishing for a baby. I can imagine her placing her hand on her stomach and looking in the mirror asking herself if she was any fatter than she was a month ago. Hoping the answer was yes and hoping that it was a baby that grew under her (many) skirts. (Come on, this was way before the days of OPK's and HPT's.) I was pretty bummed for the rest of the tour thinking about my connection with this long dead woman.

I wish that I could sum up this post with a cheery comment about looking on the bright side and everything turned out well in the end. But I can't. History shows that the Dumpling and the General's adopted son gave his parents hell growing up, went on to commit quite a few sins of his own, and gambled away the family estate only a few years after the General's death. Yet, I can't help but think about the Dumpling and mourn for the legacy that she probably wished she had been able to leave behind.

Baby steps

2009-05-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

The irony of this does not escape me in the least.

My BFF who is unsure of "the whole shebang" is getting ready to swallow a hand full of Clomid pills prescribed to her by her ob/gyn. An ob/gyn who is already self proclaimed to not be "a fertility specialist with more expertise treating infertility". I am telling BFF to run. Run away from this dr who may or may not be able to help. But will almost surely screw up her reproductive system. Run to a RE.

Where as I, on the other hand, know an oby/gyn will never be able to help me. A queen of the stirrups already with a RE on speed dial. I am being told to go back to my ob/gyn for a pap smear as a prerequisite to IVF. {Hangs head and sighs.} I don't have an ob/gyn. I have been seeing you, hallowed RE, for the last 8 months and the 11 months before that trying to get pregnant. You don't suppose one of those dozens of times that I was in the stirrups or one of the dozens of times I will soon be in the stirrups again, you could help me out and do this simple swab yourself? Would that be asking too much? Hum, cupcake?

Nevertheless, I have scheduled blood work for myself and hubby. Another semen analysis for him (his prior one is not "within the past 6 months"). And of course the treasured pap smear with an ob/gyn that I pulled out of the phone book and chose because they could fit me in when I wanted to be seen. I confess, I giggled when the lady on the phone asked me all gentle like if I would prefer a male or female doctor. I wanted to say "Lady, I am infertile. I am under the care of a RE. I am shocked that there are any doctors that haven't seen that part of my body. I am a Stirrup Queen!"

Seperation and connection

2009-05-01T06:30:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the last day of National Infertility Awareness Week. I've read several blog entries that are a bit of an ode to infertility and even though I seem to be bringing up the rear of the pack with my recent starting of a blog I, too, would like to make a contribution to this week of awareness.

Resolve states that "the disease of infertility. . .affects 7.3 million Americans." 7.3 million Americans. Let me say that again, 7.3 million Americans. With 7.3 million brothers and sisters, I wonder why I feel so alone.

Infertility separates us. Rarely do you find casual conversations about infertility. It is not a water cooler kinda topic. Are people afraid that the karma of the disease will find them if they mention or even think about such a topic? Are they scared that they will get that bit of ugliness on them if they stand too close to one who suffers? Why is it no one wants to talk about our dead babies?

But it is not just co workers and acquaintances that me and my 7.3 million brothers and sisters are separated from. We are divided from our husbands and wives as we process information and emotions about infertility differently from each other. We build walls with our best friends as their lives grow and change to include children of their own. Some think walls of selfishness, I happen to believe the walls are of self preservation. We even become separated from ourselves. We don't recognize the person that we have become that seethe jealousy of every round belly we encounter. I read blog after blog of people that have lost themselves to infertility.

Infertility also creates connections among my 7.3 million brothers and sisters. Silently and quietly, in darken houses, late at night, we log onto our computers and check the 1,700 blogs on the Stirrup Queens blog roll because we just can't sleep until we know how The Infertile One's frozen transfer went. Or we are entering our user name and password to log into Ovusoft's community message boards to see if we have received any replies to the question we posted only hours earlier.

I feel a connection to all those going through infertility with me, who will go through infertility in the future, and those who have already come from the dark side of the moon. Before going to my first RE appointment I checked out a stack of books from the library on the topic of infertility. One of those books was Lesley Brown's Our Miracle Called Louise, the story of the first test tube baby told from the mother's point of view. Though it's binding was stiff and the pages were yellowed, I felt a connection with Lesley and her miracle baby, Louise. Lesley was no poster child for IVF with her history of abuse and wild behavior but reading of her account while she waited to see if the procedure worked, I felt a connection to this distant woman.

I feel a strong connection with Louise, too. This person who is only a few months older than I am. The first. THE FIRST! A product of technology only developed during my generation. A technology that I hope one day also helps me to succeed in having children of my own. I also feel connected with Natalie Brown, the sister of Louise Brown, and the 40th IVF baby. I cheered when I read that she was the first to give birth to a naturally conceived child in 1999. See world, we and our children are not freaks of nature!

Infertility is a thread that binds. It is woven through out our society. It may be your neighbor, your Sunday school teacher, or your accountant that suffers silently. But it is the entire society, country, and world that is affected by our loss. Many of who that don't know our names, don't know our pain, and will never meet the wonderful children we could have raised.

I'm one of the lucky ones

2009-04-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were in school and you were learning how to write an essay? Did your teacher tell you that good essays answered six question for the reader? Who? What? When? Where? Why? and To what extent? I am one of the lucky infertiles who knows the answers to most of those questions about my infertility.

About 5 years ago in June 2004 I had a horrible stomach virus. I skipped some very important work to go to the emergency room only to be told it was going around, here is some Phenergan, go home and rest. I couldn't rest. I had to work. I lived on nothing (I can remember eating only a Snickers bar with some very unpleasant results) and suffered through for a couple of days.

About three days after visiting the emergency room I was at work talking with a co worker and experienced the worst pain of my life. Comparable only to a full blown tooth ache, but this pain was in my stomach. I excused myself to go to the bathroom. In tears I left the building and called my husband crying in the back seat of my car. He was so wise ;) he told me to go to the emergency room--even call an ambulance if I felt I couldn't drive. But I managed to drive myself to the emergency room of a different hospital than previously. I parked in one of the handicap parking spaces because I didn't think I could walk very far. I cried so hard in the lobby, I was triage quickly to an exam room.

Once the morphine was flowing through my veins, I felt better and didn't have patience for the dr's ordered tests. I almost left. But hubby showed up and insisted that I wait and follow through. I had a gyno exam, a vaginal ultrasound, an x-ray, and a CAT scan. Finally a radiologist in Australia read the CAT scan in my middle of the night and pronounced that I had a hole in my small intestine and sewage was leaking into my abdominal cavity. I was admitted immediately and surgery was scheduled for the next morning.

Surgery actually happened the next evening. Portions of both the large and small intestine were removed, along with the ileocecal valve that connected the two. I had a belly button to pubic hair incision, no nice neat laser for me. I was lucky to wake up without a colostomy bag. The diagnosis was Crohn's disease. My body raged with infection. I was warned that I might have fertility problems later. (You think?!?!?)

Sometime during the leakage of sewage into my abdominal cavity, or during the surgery itself, or when my body was fighting off infection, or in the weeks that followed while I healed and scar tissue formed, my oh-so-delicate, fragile, hair-like fallopian tubes were damaged. At the time, I didn't know it. And for about 4 years, I didn't care. Until hubby and I decided we wanted to have a baby.

I am one of the the lucky ones. My Crohn's disease has never really bothered me. (But I sure do miss my ileocecal valve.) I am one of the lucky ones. When 11 months of trying on our own produced no pregnancy, I was sent straight to the RE---no gyno or GP wanted to even try anything on me. I am one of the lucky ones. I suffered no blood draws and no useless tests. Only a few cycles of Femara while the first unclear HSG (RE thought one tube might be marginally functional) was redone more expensively but more clearly to reveal neither tube had any spillage. I am one of the lucky ones. I have had no false hopes and failures from months of either Clomid or IUI's. I am one of the lucky one. My straight path to IVF do-not-pass-go-do-not-collect-$200 has almost always been clear. I am one of the lucky ones. I hope by telling myself that often, I will remember it and thank God for all the blessings that I have received. . .and one day it will be true again.

Can I do that again?

2009-04-30T11:31:00.000-07:00

Immediately after I hit "Publish Post" on my first entry, I felt a sense of strength and coming out. In just a couple of paragraphs I had unloaded months of secret anguish and worry. Immediately I wanted to do it again and tell of the demon that I am wrestling today.

Today is April 30. Today is my friend L's 31st birthday. Today is the day my hubby hits the road again. Today is supposed to be the day that I call the RE's office and start making appointments to put checks in all those blank boxes on our IVF Prerequisites form. But yet I hesitate. The clock screams 1:30, 1:31, 1:32. But I already know that I am going to let this day slip by without picking up the phone.

At the beginning of January, I received the clear as day picture that told me that both my tubes were block. Hubby's and my type A personalities charged to the forefront creating a timeline of what we wanted to do, when, and how much money we were going to save and spend in the mean time. We decided to build the patio, put in the dog door, go on a cruise and do IVF in June. The patio is beautiful. The dogs are learning to use the dog door. The cruise tickets are purchased. My RE told me that I needed to check off my prerequisites in May, if I wanted to start stimming in June. And yet I still hesitate to pick up the phone and start making appointments.

Some of you guys may not believe me, or maybe you do understand, but it is hope that makes me pause in mid step. I read other's blogs that charge right into IVF and a part of me has always wanted to too. But a bigger part of me wants to hang onto this hope that everything will work out for as long as I can. Because you see, it is not just prerequisites I will be completing but also the possibility of failed IVF's, dead babies, and the door closing forever on having children of my own flesh. Reading other's blogs has taught me that there are greater things to fear than waiting.

So I will hide for one more day. For just a little longer I will continue to thumb through the burgundy and tan folder from the fertility center with the quote "I laugh for hope hath a happy place in me. . ." (William Ellery Channing). I will pretend to be too busy with work to make the call. I will pretend that time just got away from. For one more day, I will continue with all hope.

Am I too late?

2009-04-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

I read all the blogs on the Stirrup Queens blogroll and find so much comfort from them. The brave souls that shout from the roof top their cycle days, treatments, and loss. I cheer for them. And sometimes I cry for them too. But I, myself, am not that brave. To tell the world of my hurt? My disappointment? My anger? My jealousy? Then I would no longer be the strong confident person that is handling this all so well.

I have a webpage/blog that I keep updated for friends and distant family, people that I know in RL. I am very proud of it. It is well written with accounts of what we did over the weekend and places that we have traveled and pictures of smiling faces. Most of the entries end with the sentiment of "happily ever after." It is all true but yet it doesn't begin to scratch the surface of I am feeling on the inside. Living with only very few people knowing is starting to feel like I'm living a lie.

I also wonder if it is too late for me to start a blog about infertility. . .my infertility. I have long past the times of innocent s.e.x., the feeling of control from charting, the discussion with hubby that I think something is wrong, the first appointment with an RE and the feel of those cold stirrups, the hope of Femara, the pain of 2 HSG's, the confusion of a second opinion, and the finality of the term "both tubes are blocked".

Instead I begin my story at the starting line of IVF. . .with all hope but also with a whirlwind circling around me and inside me. The whirlwind includes a hubby that just doesn't process the situation the same way as I do (thank goodness, sometimes), a BFF with her own troubles and baby wishes, a bank account that can handle one IVF, and parents who are kind but don't understand.

I begin in the middle. Hopefully I am not too late.