Thursday, April 30, 2009

Can I do that again?

Immediately after I hit "Publish Post" on my first entry, I felt a sense of strength and coming out. In just a couple of paragraphs I had unloaded months of secret anguish and worry. Immediately I wanted to do it again and tell of the demon that I am wrestling today.

Today is April 30. Today is my friend L's 31st birthday. Today is the day my hubby hits the road again. Today is supposed to be the day that I call the RE's office and start making appointments to put checks in all those blank boxes on our IVF Prerequisites form. But yet I hesitate. The clock screams 1:30, 1:31, 1:32. But I already know that I am going to let this day slip by without picking up the phone.

At the beginning of January, I received the clear as day picture that told me that both my tubes were block. Hubby's and my type A personalities charged to the forefront creating a timeline of what we wanted to do, when, and how much money we were going to save and spend in the mean time. We decided to build the patio, put in the dog door, go on a cruise and do IVF in June. The patio is beautiful. The dogs are learning to use the dog door. The cruise tickets are purchased. My RE told me that I needed to check off my prerequisites in May, if I wanted to start stimming in June. And yet I still hesitate to pick up the phone and start making appointments.

Some of you guys may not believe me, or maybe you do understand, but it is hope that makes me pause in mid step. I read other's blogs that charge right into IVF and a part of me has always wanted to too. But a bigger part of me wants to hang onto this hope that everything will work out for as long as I can. Because you see, it is not just prerequisites I will be completing but also the possibility of failed IVF's, dead babies, and the door closing forever on having children of my own flesh. Reading other's blogs has taught me that there are greater things to fear than waiting.

So I will hide for one more day. For just a little longer I will continue to thumb through the burgundy and tan folder from the fertility center with the quote "I laugh for hope hath a happy place in me. . ." (William Ellery Channing). I will pretend to be too busy with work to make the call. I will pretend that time just got away from. For one more day, I will continue with all hope.

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