Monday, October 4, 2010

I just wanted you to know. . .

My little boy was born 3/26/10 screaming and healthy.

Conception didn't go as I had planned. Pregnancy was not what I dreamed it would be. I didn't expect labor and delivery to happen as it did. But motherhood is everything I could have ever hoped for and more.

Best of luck to everyone. I hope all your stories have happy endings too.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Graduation day

Did you hear that big huge sigh of relief that I let out yesterday after my final visit to the fertility clinic? Yep, that was me. And yes, things are looking better. Dare I say normal?

The day started with the usual hassle from the clinic. I had an appointment at 11:00 am but they called me at 8:40 am asking me if I could come in NOW. I got hubby out of bed and he swung by and picked me up from work. We got there by 9:30 am. And then waited for almost an hour. Geeze, you called me.

Finally the ultrasound. Everything was so much larger, it was amazing. This time the gestational sac looked and measured normal. The ultrasound person and hubby speculated about contractions of the uterus on the last scan. All I could do was praise the Lord that it was fine today. We saw and heard the heart beat. 174 bpm. Hubby said that hearing the heartbeat really did it for him. I must admit it was pretty amazing. The ultrasound person also pointed out the developing spine. Amazing. The little fetus even did some head bobbing to Motely Crue's Girls, Girls, Girls that was playing on the radio in the phlebotomist's area next door. (We think it is going to be a boy. He was jamming out pretty strong.) She took half a dozen great pictures but, again, managed to give me the one that just looks like blobs.

After the ultrasound, we waited to speak with Dr Cupcake. She gave us "excellent" and "thumbs up" on everything. (Still measuring 4 days behind but that has been very consistence.) I asked about the PIO shot that have become a literal pain in the ass the last week or so. They did a progesterone level check and Dr Cupcake said that I could decrease to every other day and to stop completely on Sept 2nd. (Yea! Only 5 more injections to go.) Then she told us that she would be transcribing a letter to my ob/gyn and transferring my records to him. We are done at the fertility clinic.

Hubby and I left feeling very confident---the first time ever. We are making plans to tell the rest of our family as soon as possible. I won't be telling anyone else at work until 12 weeks, but it is not out of fear.

I will probably be updating this blog less and less. This was a way to record my thoughts while I traveled down this path. I have received so much information, comfort and support from those I have connected with on this space. But I don't want my infertility and IVF story to get lost and buried in a pregnancy blog. I want those who follow me to be able to find it and take comfort in it and not feel so alone.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Mommy tracked

When I get worried, I read everything ever written about the subject. After that I have to turn my brain off my worry, so I work. Hard. I can spend two or three hours of a work day reading Google searches and other peoples' blogs and still get eight hours worth of work cramped into about five hours. My industriousness has not gone unnoticed. My boss' boss sent word down through the grapevine (my boss) that he is creating two manager positions and was wondering if I would be interested in one of them.

The irony does not escape me. Just when I am paying the least amount of attention to work. When I am the least interested in anything work related. In fact work is only an escape from the worries of my personal life and a means of paying the bills. A promotional opportunity is offered.

I replied that I would be interested. My boss knows more of my personal situation than she probably should and I told her that I wouldn't feel comfortable accepting unless boss' boss at least knew that I was early pregnant and would be taking maternity leave in the spring of next year if everything worked out as I hope it will. Yes, I know that I don't have to tell him. Yes, I know that legally he can't make any decisions based on it. But I felt that he needed to know that information up front in order to not feel betrayed by it later on.

He sent back word that he appreciated my honesty. Other than that, I don't know anything more. The wheels on the bus for the company that I work for move around very s-l-o-w-l-y. Even if I am still in the running, it probably won't be before Christmas that I am awarded the position.

Friday, August 14, 2009

The roller coaster ride continues

A couple of months ago I visited some family in L.A. We all went to Universal Studios for a day of fun. I don't like roller coasters. Never have. But because I was trying to go along, to get along and I felt like a country bumpkin come to town, I was talked into riding a few. One was of them was The Mummy. This roller coaster is all in the dark. It is very very scary. And just when I thought I had survived and the ride was coming to an end, the damn thing does it all again-backwards. I hate roller coasters.

Infertility and this pregnancy feel like that roller coaster to me. Just when I think I might survive, the damn thing continues--more scary than before.

Dr's appointment yesterday started with the ultrasound. Hubby went along. We saw the heartbeat, 144 bpm. We were told the fetus is measuring well at 8.1 mm (6w5d, though the actual date is 7w1d). The retrochorion tear was smaller, clotting nicely. The ultrasound tech mentioned again that it was lower in the uterus than they like to see. And she also mentioned that the gestational sac was measuring small. We even got a picture!

We met with Dr Cupcake. We talked about the tear. She wasn't too concerned. In fact she said if it was any smaller they wouldn't be able to see it on the ultrasound. I was told perfect on heart rate and fetus size. However she was a bit concerned about the size of the gestational sac. She had seen it work out well in other pregnancies but I am still a bit on the fence. She wanted me to refill my progesterone prescription. She told me to make an ob/gyn appointment for 3-4 weeks from now. But she wanted to see me back in a week and a half to check on the size of the gestational sac again.

I left feeling pretty upbeat.

Then I Googled "small gestational sac."

If you don't want to sleep at night. If you like to stay up worrying and praying. Google "small gestational sac" and know your measurements. My fetus is 8.1 mm. The sac is only 9 mm. Dr Google tells me that a sac less than 5 mm greater than the fetus has an 80% chance of miscarry.

Back to feeling worried sick.

There are good stories out there concerning small gestational sacs. But you have to dig a little deeper to find them. There are all sorts of reasons why mine might be small that have nothing to do with the fetus--the retrochorion might have damaged the sac, the fetus is very low in the uterus and it might be feeling a little crowded. There are also the general reasons of the accuracy of the ultrasound and the limitations of the ultrasound. . .

But I am back to being scared to death.

Thank you, Cassandra!

Thanks to the blogosphere for all the support. Bleeding and pregnancy just doesn't go together. It was scary. And a BIG THANK YOU to Cassandra for the correct spelling of retrochorion. I am glad that she supplied the spelling before actually extracting the agreement not to Google the heck out of it from me. Because Google it, I did. But retrochorion is really not that bad to Google. Most returns were quite hopeful. Thank you again.

Monday, August 10, 2009


Hubby and I went to a used bookstore on Saturday. I was feeling brave enough about this pregnancy that I wondered over the family section and picked up two pregnancy books. Who could resist 2 books for $4.50? Week by week. Lots of pictures. Oh how exciting. I should have known.

On Sunday I got up and had a couple pieces of toast for breakfast. I went back to bed to watch some of the Law & Order Marathon. About an hour later, I felt like I was laying in something wet. Tossed back the covers and there was blood every where, on my pajamas, on the sheets, on the bed. I about had a heart attach. I went to the bathroom. The blood continued to flow. I took a 2 min shower. Jumped in the car. Called hubby. Called my dr's office. And headed to the emergency room.

On the phone with hubby all I did was cry.

The dr's office called me back before I could get to the end of the street. I had to pull over at a gas station to talk to the dr, I was crying so hard. He was super nice (the owner of the clinic and the only dr I hadn't met). He was very calm. Asked me a lot of questions. Told me if I wasn't hurting, it would probably be okay. Offered to do an ultrasound first thing Monday morning. I told him I couldn't wait. He told me to go on to the emergency room.

I got to the ER. I was triage quickly and put in an exam room. I bit the head off one dumb nurse who couldn't fathom why I was so upset. Geeze, I'm in an ER. I am early pregnant. And bleeding like crazy. I think I am entitled to a few tears. It was a short wait until the dr showed up. I used the time wisely by alternatively crying & hyperventilating and praying that I wasn't experiencing a miscarriage.

The dr did a quick pelvic exam. I couldn't help but notice that the disposable speculum was covered in dark red blood. A nurse did a blood draw and inserted an IV line, though they didn't put anything in it. The dr was super nice and said that we were all going to think positively until we knew for sure that something was wrong.

I waited about 40 mins and was taken back to the ultra sound room. It was different than going to the fertility clinic. The lady turned the monitor towards herself and told me the dr would be actually giving me the results. She did a two second outer ultrasound exam and about 20 min trans vaginal exam. Seriously the most through exam I had ever had. The lady finally took pity on me and turned the monitor where I could see. A heart beat, the most beautiful flicker I have ever seen. It was such a relief that I started crying. She also told me that the fetus was measuring 5.2 mm, which put it at 6w2d (though the actual date was 6w4d). What a relief that I hadn't lost it on the sheets of my bed.

After I was wheeled back to my exam room in the ER, time slowed down. Where everyone was rushing to see me before, no one came in afterwards. I waited about an hour (much calmer than I was earlier) and finally went to find a phone to call my husband. No cell service in the ER and I knew he was waiting on pins and needles for news too. The nurses at the desk didn't want to let me use their phone but the dr relented when she saw I was prepared to truck out to the lobby in my sock feet, hospital gown, and toga sheet. It would be cruel to make him wait any longer after I had seen the heartbeat and was feeling much calmer.

After I talked to hubby, the dr came back with me to the exam room. She went over all the good stuff from the ultrasound, including the heart rate of 91 bpm--a little low but still good. And then she proceeded to tell me that the ultrasound revealed that I was bleeding from the uterine wall behind where the placenta is attached. She called it retro corein, pronounced core-e-in, I think. (Not spelling that correctly and kicking myself for not making the dr write it down for me. Google is not bringing up anything with my spelling.) She said that I was on the fence for miscarrying. It could be that the blood vessels bled just that once and it won't cause me any more problems. Or it could be that they will bleed again, so much so that they separate the placenta from the uterine wall.

She sent all the findings over to the fertility clinic. I am supposed to keep my appointment for next Thursday and get lots of rest in the mean time. She wrote me a note for four days off from work. I am at home today but once the bleeding stops I will probably go back. No one is sure what causes it to bleed. I was laying in bed when I started bleeding, so no one know if staying in bed will keep it from happening again. I had lots of dark brown blood yesterday after I got home. Even some almost black clumps that were kinda scary. But I didn't hurt at all. Today more brown blood but I think it is almost over.

So the moral of the story, I am not buying anything else pregnancy related. It attracts karma and this pregnancy is too fragile and important to test fate.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Black magic

Today, 5w5d, at our early ultrasound we were able to see a single gestational sac and the yolk. (I know the photo says B but there is only one.) It is a little low in the uterus and measuring about 5 days behind where it should be. But we were told that as long as it was +/- within 7 days of where it should be, it was fine.

The celebration of today is over shadowed by how impossible our clinic is to deal with. Today the ultrasound tech actually carried on a conversation with another nurse through a crack in the door about another patient while I was, huh hum, being wanded. Talk about UNCOMFORTABLE. But this was only after we waited 48 mins before being seen at all.

We also met with another of the clinic's dr's. I talked to her about the progesterone and bleeding (which has now stopped since my PIO dose was upped). I asked her why isn't it common to test the P2 levels when a patient complains of bleeding. She said it was standard to test it with the first beta. I told her mine wasn't checked with my first beta. She shuffled through my file and said "I can't speak to why it wasn't checked."

As we went to leave, we were instructed to make another ultrasound appointment in a week to hear the heartbeat. Hubby has a crazy schedule. He will be home, next week, only Thursday afternoon and all day Friday. With 8 business days advanced notice, they couldn't schedule us an appointment!! We were told there was no available appointments on Thursday afternoon and that "no doctors would be in office on Friday." WTF!?!?! We ended up having a huge show down with the practice manager and finally got a Thursday afternoon appointment.

It became very clear to me a long long time ago that this clinic sucks. I would never recommend that anyone go there. It amazes me that their numbers are so good. It must be the science of large numbers, see enough patients and they are bound to get a few of them pregnant.