Gosh, this has been such a roller coaster. Last Wednesday, when I received the 33 beta results, I was the most crushed. I spent the afternoon and evening crying or sleeping. Hubby got home on Thursday. He brought that bitch HOPE back into our lives. And then it was another blow on Friday when I received the 48 beta results. Hubby and I, sorta, escaped to the beach this past weekend. We didn't leave it totally behind, but we were distracted by making flights, picking up the rental car and all the things that go along with traveling. I went again this morning for a third beta. It is hard to be hopeful. But secretly I still am, though I have grieved for this as an unsuccessful IVF. I have tons of questions on how this is going to end. But no one has a crystal ball to tell me. All I can do is wait.
I have been avoiding BFF. At times, I think it is childish. At other times, just the thought of her pregnancy makes me want to throw up. I have sent her a one or two line email and a short "gone to the beach" text message. I don't know what she is thinking but I hope she doesn't mind a cold shoulder for a bit longer. I am still not ready to face that relationship.
My brother sent me a text message and left a voice mail message on Friday. He said he just couldn't wait for the third beta. I had told him previously that it would take 3 blood test to confirm pregnancy. I called him back at the airport. I told him how everything was going and cried while we waited on a delayed flight. I mentioned asking him if he would tell our mom, later after it was all worked out. I had some very specific things I wanted him to tell her and not to tell her. I wanted her to stop talking about stranger's babies in the grocery store and I didn't want her to know about the frozen embryos.
That asshole brother of mine called and told her on Saturday. I am pissed at him. I am sure he and my sister in law determined that it was the best thing for me that my mom know. But it wasn't his decision to make. I don't have any trust in him or my sister in law now and it will be a long time before I take or return their calls again. So now I have this betrayal to deal with emotionally, like I don't have enough things on my plate right now.
My mom left a voice mail message on Sunday evening. She sounded like she had been crying. It was a real short message. She said that D had told her on Saturday. That she was just now getting up the courage to call me. That she wished that there was something she could do. And that she loved me. I suppose that it is not horrible that she knows---I was working up to it when D took my choice away. I just don't want to talk to her (or anyone) while I am still in this limbo.
The clinic will call with the results of this third beta this afternoon. I don't know what comes next, whether the news be good or bad.