The ramblings of a NOT crazy person

I would love to say that I have been a not crazy person googling every little thing about early pregnancy. But who am I trying to kid? I would love to say that I haven't imagined myself to have every "early pregnancy symptom". No, no that wasn't me that woke up in the middle of the night with nausea that I either dreamed or have worried myself into. But again, who am I trying to kid? I would love to say that every meaning full conversation (who am I kidding? Thought is a better word here.) hasn't been about a potential pregnancy. But again, I would only be lying to myself. Everyone knows that this horrible, torturous waiting is well, horrible and torturous, right?

I called my brother on my second day of bed rest. We talked for a long time. Yesterday after work, he called me back. He and my sister-in-law, both got on the phone to tell me that they were thinking about me and wishing for the best. My sister-in-law is a real marriage and family counselor--degrees, a private practice and everything. I always feel like I need to watch what I say around her. But she is just so darn easy to talk to, I always end up spilling the beans. Yesterday was no exception. I didn't ask for an official report on how I am dealing with all of this but she didn't call in the men in white suits after we talked, so maybe I am not totally crazy. . .yet.

I also had another pleasant (read unpleasant) run in with my clinic's inability to do anything right the first time. All my post op paperwork said that I needed to schedule a progesterone check on 7/15 and a beta on 7/23. I scheduled the progesterone check and went in. While there I also scheduled the beta. IVF Nurse 3 left the results in my voice mail box and also the information that the clinic doesn't do betas for IVF's on Thursdays; only Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I called Ms Smiles A Lot and we had another nice chat about that scheduling problem and the fact IVF Nurse 3 never called me back last Friday. Officially my file/case has been transferred to Nurse Through and I should never hear from IVF Nurse 3 again. The only hitch in that is that Nurse Through is going to be on vacation all next week, so I get to meet with a 4th IVF nurse that week. Sigh.

I kinda feel like having the frozen embryos is kinda a jinx. (Yes, I am really grateful that we had some to freeze. Deep down I know that they are a blessing.) Having a Plan B seems to imply that we don't expect Plan A to work out. My hubby scoffs at this train of thought. In his line of work, they always have a Plan B. The leader always even briefs the crew on Plan B before the project starts. He is much more comfortable having a Plan B than I am. I have never had a Plan B before, in work or in life. I always figure I can make Plan A happen, sometimes with additional efforts or a little bit of tweaking.

I woke up this morning with an achy back. I first tried reasoning with myself. This is not the first time my bed has hated me. But then I thought this felt different than all the other times. So I started to let myself hope. On the way into work, I remembered that I often get backaches with the approach of Aunt Flo. That thought deflated my balloon and I decided to ignore the backache.

I have been paying close attention to my breast. Do they seem bigger, fuller? Maybe a little bit. The areolas seem bigger, redder, more dimply. Is anything tender? Hum, I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not.

Maybe my sister in law should have called the men in white coats and had me fitted for a straight jacket and a padded room.