Monday, June 29, 2009

Near and far

I went to church for the first time in a while on Sunday (have been skipping because of Mother's Day, Father's Day and our cruise). We had a guest speaker who introduced himself as having 3 children, a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a nine day old baby. Of course his sermon was children/parents related.

I couldn't help but feeling hurt from the sermon. Raising godly children? My only plea is "Lord, just give me the chance." I wonder if Fertile Melvin ever gave a second thought to any infertiles in his audience. I wonder if he ever considered any of us who's hearts would be breaking from want at his words.

Yes, my church is full of families with children. I am sure they learned a lot from his sermon. My church is huge. It tries to meet so many people at so many different stages and places in life. It has large youth programs, a thriving Hispanic ministry, and a very active group of over 60 adults. But never once in the almost 2 years that I have been attending have I heard a sermon specifically addressed to me. Me being a 30 year old, educated, working adult. Me married but whose hubby spends half the month gone, away working. Me struggling so hard with infertility.

Some people think that IVF and other IF treatments are ungodly or trying to "play God." I whole heartily disagree. Learning the details of conception, I truly know God as the master creator. Struggling with IF, I know how to put my faith in God. IF is such a private hurt, I know God is the only one who fully understands my pain. It is to God who I address my daily prayers of wants and needs. I have never felt closer to God.

But I have never felt further away from church and other people. There are hundreds of people at my church. I know you can't see infertility. Surely there must be one or two or three others who hearts long for a baby but whose bodies are unwilling. So few people understand the details of IVF and IF treatments (there are even levels of knowledge among IF bloggers!) but so many people make quick, uninformed judgements. (I even count the "pre me" among the uninformed.) IF has also taught me something about judging when I don't know all the information.

I have never felt closer to God. But I have never felt further away from church and other people.

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