Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The beginning or the end?

I have to mentally start getting myself ready for something. I am confident that my BFF is about to be announcing that she is pregnant soon.

She and her hubby have been trying off and on since September. She was put on Chlomid two cycles ago by her OB/GYN. The first cycle had some bad timing but her body functioned as it was supposed to. For the second and most recent cycle, her body functioned as it was supposed to and they had great timing (so she reports). She is now officially 1 week into the 2 week wait.

I don't like her hubby. They have had some very severe relationship problems rather recently. (He wanted to move out in April. They were talking about divorce.) IMO, those problems haven't been addressed sufficiently and still lurk under the surface. Which is a horrible situation to deal with infertility in and/or to bring a baby into. But BFF is confident that the problems are all now water under the bridge.

I have to get ready to put aside my thoughts about her hubby. I have to get ready to put aside my struggle with infertility. I have to get ready to be happy for her. I can do this. It wouldn't be hard at all. The thought us of being pregnant together, of raising children together excites me more than I can describe. My cup would runneth over if she and I could experience this together.

It is the other side of IVF's success rates that scare me. The percentages that don't result in a pregnancy. I know I will be devastated if this doesn't work for us. I have no idea how I would be able to cope if I have to watch my BFF grow with a child while I didn't. I don't know how I would control my jealously and be happy for her. I don't know how I would survive without her support. I don't think I would be able to be a good friend to her when she needed me. I don't know how our friendship would survive.

2 comments:

'Murgdan' said...

It would make for a difficult, but not impossible, situation...depending on how understanding your friend is, of course.

I hope you don't have to even wonder...because it works.

hopeful #1 said...

What an awful place to be... not only for you but for your friend. Infertility is hard and I understand that a lot of couples fall a part when dealing with it but you can only hope that it has the reverse effect...

Here's hoping you deal with it the best that you know how. Maybe bring up how you feel when it's comfortable and you feel that she might give you an honest answer. She can't lie to herself forever.